Guys and Girls Cannot be Friends - Amended
There has been much response to Monday’s post "Guys and Girls Cannot be Friends."
Interestingly, I have not had one guy come forward to defend his relationship with a woman. They have all pretty much confessed that they usually have a hidden agenda. Guys have responded that they are friends with women because they think may be able to hook-up with her at some point or worse yet, hope that she may fall in love with him. If the guy thinks that he can hook-up with you he has either hooked-up with you in the past or thinks he can and will try in the future. If the guy has a crush on you and you do not return the sentiment, he will inevitably become “that guy” and a joke to both you and his own friends.
Girls have been vocal to defend their relationships with men as strictly platonic. Again, I disagree. Be realistic and answer the following questions. First, has there ever been any romantic inclination between the two of you? A hug, holding hands, a kiss … these all count with the proper intent. Second, can you promise that the thought of anything romantic will never occur for either of you in the future? Third, do you keep him as your friend because you know you can call him up for brunch, coffee, a drink, to talk, etc., and he will be there for your support? He is not your lap dog and quit being so selfish and leading him on. If you are the guy, grow some balls.
6 comments:
I do agree for the most/majority of male/female relationships what you state is true. However, I do think there are exceptions- perhaps few and far between, but they're there.
That's great, and thanks for your opinion. Give us an example.
An example of male/female friendships that DO work out? My ex and I are a good example. He and I had a really good relationship, and a very positive/mutual break up (we wanted different things, were in different phases, weren't right for each other) and stayed in touch as friends. He is dating someone else and is happy, I've dated in the meantime as well, and am currently single but certainly don't want to get back together with him and am very happy he is happy. And essentially, we're good friends and there's no tension anymore. I think there was a bit of awkwardness about boundaries and such in the beginning but that's been worked out. Point is, it works because I think we genuinely have a mutual respect and admiration for each other as human beings that transcends any sexual tension or drama. I won't say we hang out all the time, and of course we wouldn't hang out alone out of respect for the other people we might be involved with, but when we do hang out it's fun and casual, and really nice to be able to spend time with someone who you've been involved with, and who knows you really well and cares about you, but there's no interest in reigniting anything from either side. Maybe it's not the same kind of friendship as with a friend of the same gender when you can hang out and talk all the time and there's no issue, but it's a genuine friendship and in some ways can be more meaningful. I'm not denying it may be unique or rare, but it can happen - I think.
For right now you have convinced yourself that you two are "ok" with the situation. Your liberal, free wheeling girlfriends/boyfriends don't want to be a wet blanket, so they say that they are "ok" with the situation. But seriously, think about this "friendship." Is your ex coming to your wedding? Are they going to be in your reception pictures? Does he or she come to Thanksgiving dinner in ten years? And quite frankly what are you going to tell your eight-year-old daughter when she asks how you know
"Uncle" Jim?
Very good, and true. Also, the defense about the relationship being "more meaningful" because they "know each other so well", a large, boiling cauldron of canine feces!
People should not "know each other so well" outside of marriage! I am sure that some potential husband/wife wants someone around who knows their intended "so well".
Nothing makes someone feel better than to have his girlfriend talk to other men about past experiences in which he was not involved, inside jokes with punch lines to which he is not privy, and secret smiles and winks to which he is not the recipient. I am sure it is a real relationship strengthening situation. Ridiculous!
Again, it has to do with respect for the other person and what is an appropriate boundary for this kind of a friendship/relationship. And as for "Uncle Jim"- when I finish a relationship I finish it. There's no going back there. And I can't be sure that I will still be talking to the girlfriends I have now let alone guy friends ten years from now- you just don't know what will happen in life, who will move, break apart etc. The point is, friendships with people of the same gender can be as, or more, complicated than male-female ones. And all you can do, if the person is important enough to you, is evaluate at what level those relationships will reach and work to cultivate the friendship for what it's worth. And frankly, if a guy just is my friend because he 'wants to get in my pants'- well so be it. It doesn't mean he's going to get there if all I want is a friendship, and it's frankly his problem, not mine. I just maintain the relationship at whatever distance is appropriate. And I don't mean to sound cruel or selfish, because I'm sure I've also been in a friendship with a guy for whom I've had an unreciprocated crush. It just happens, it's human nature. Like I said in another post- it's not always a black and white issue.
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