What Women Want

Men measure success through status, power and money. A great job, powerful allies, and cutting edge toys can determine pride and cause great envy. Women, on the other hand, measure their successes not only by what they own, who they know and their persuasive influence, but also through their ability to attract men, find a partner and raise a family.

Great men are macho examples of masculinity; great women are powerful feminists who also exude infinite hospitality, femininity, and charm.

The dual role of a female is difficult to balance. Women are supposed to succeed in school, sports, hobbies, and their careers while simultaneously establishing and raising a family. The ability for one person to commit enough time to flourish at all of these roles is difficult, if not impossible.

While I have come across a few notable exceptions, the primary goals of most men do not focus on getting married and raising a family. Evan Marc Katz’s writes in his September 5, 2007, article Why Reality Sucks, Fantasy Rules, and My Advice May Make You Upset that “YOU CAN’T CHANGE MEN!” I agree. So long as men are allowed to get their milk for free without buying the cow, they will continue to do so. Therefore, training men to become husbands and fathers falls upon the endless duties of women.

In our current society, being married and having a family is of greater importance to women. Not to say that men do not want families, but women are more frequently and harshly judged on their successes or failures in dating, marriage and motherhood. If the goal is marriage and having a family, then women need to realize that it is up to them to pave their own path to success.

7 Signs He's About to Propose

His apartment is clean, he's dressing better, and Thursday night poker with the guys has turned into date night with you? Either your guy is coming down with something, or he's planning to pop the question! Read on for more telltale signs that he's ready to say "I do."

1. He's Growing Out of His Bachelor Ways
You can tell his bachelor days are behind him when his number one priority is no longer himself. If he's constantly using terms like "we" and "the future," and plans for a weekend with the guys in Vegas are suddenly on the back burner while he looks for romantic locales to visit with you, he's probably not just sick of his buddies -- he might be scouting the perfect place to propose.

2. He's Redecorating
You may also notice certain items have disappeared from his pad, like his college posters and Simpsons memorabilia. Did he ditch that ugly brown chair for a nice new couch? It could be the start of major changes -- your boyfriend is making room in his life for you, both physically and emotionally.

3. He's Curbing Big Purchases
Has your boyfriend gone from big spender to scrooge? The plasma screen TV he'd been planning to buy isn't hanging over his mantle, and instead of buying rounds of drinks at happy hour after work, he's home cooking dinner. No, he hasn't become a homebody; he's started to eliminate frivolous spending to brace for a large upcoming down payment (your ring!). He might have even opened up a new savings account or high rewards credit card as he gears up to make the big purchase. And it's not just the jewelry he's saving for -- he may be socking away money now so that the two of you will be comfortable well into the future.

4. He's Not Complaining About Weddings
While at a wedding together, it's more than just the usual eagerness for an open bar. He puts a vice grip on your hand during the vow exchange (is that a tear I see?), and comments on the couple's first dance choice and meal selection. Take it as a sign that he is paying attention to all things wedding-related because matrimony is on his mind.

5. He's Taken an Interest in Your Jewelry
Has he been complimenting your great ability to accessorize? Snooping around in your jewelry box? Holding your hand, constantly? Tying strings around your finger so you don't forget something meaningless? All kidding aside, when your favorite ring goes missing, you'll know for sure that he's trying to find a covert way to figure out your size.

6. He Wants to Meet the Parents
Okay, so he's probably already met your parents. If he hasn't, and has become insistent on meeting them, it's probably for a good reason. But if he already knows them well, and has become the first to RSVP for your nephew's birthday party, jumps at the chance for a weekend visit with your parents, or, even more telltale, tries to plan outings for both your families to hang out together, he's ready for the next step.

7. He's Acting Out of Character
You know his daily routine inside and out, and any variation is enough to give you pause. If he's super insistent that you guys do something you never do (like take a walk through a park, or drive to a place to watch the sunset), he may be setting up to speak those four little words: Will you marry me? After all that hard work, be sure to make it easy on him and say "yes!" by Meredith Gray (Read Full article).

Help! He Stopped Calling!

So you think that your boyfriend is avoiding me for some reason. Everything is completely normal then without notice he is ignoring or avoiding you. His phone is off, he hasn’t called, and he isn’t responding to text messages. What do you do???

My advice: Avoidance! Do not appear to be begging for attention. Do NOT appear desperate. He obviously thinks he has the upper-hand. If you are dating someone, notwithstanding external considerations, a daily contact should be expected.

If you make the daily contact, and you are speaking with a voice mail, then you had better back off until the other party makes an effort.

I know this is scary because it is a gamble, you risk losing contact with this person; however, if this person is contacting you at his leisure and only when it is convenient, do you really want to be forcing his attention on you? One cannot force a relationship.

Meeting Her Family

Meeting the family can make or break a relationship. Whether the relatives know best or not, their opinions do count. Guys, do not make your girlfriend regret not prepping you.

First of all, make sure that you dress to impress. Going to meet someone's parents in your vintage, hole-ridden, acid-washed jeans will not get you the utmost respect. This doesn't mean wear a suit, but be presentable and dress for the venue/occasion.

Be confident. When you meet them for the first time, give them a firm handshake. Nothing says castrated male more than a limp-noodle handshake. Not to mention, when it's firm, it shows you mean business. All men-who-mean-business use the firm shake, sometimes with an additional forearm grab. If you are feeling brave, throw in a pound. If you are feeling brave and foolish, try a low-five.

Make good conversation. One of the most pivotal parts of meeting anyone - parents, girls, the president - is the conversation. If you have mastered the art of conversation, you are a deadly force just waiting to disarm parents at every turn. Use anecdotes and, most importantly, well-timed (and appropriate) jokes. Remember that the purpose you are there is to meet the family and attention focused away from direct conversation will be noted, so do not strike up a conversation with the bartender.

Finally, say farewell and be gracious. I shouldn’t have to mention this point, but I know of too many instances where a guy has “disappeared” without a goodbye and thank you. No feelings of awkwardness can justify or excuse this cowardly and low-class move, and it doesn't count if your girlfriend says goodbye on your behalf.

I Want to Date my Friend - Can I Afford Losing the Friendship?

When someone wants to date their friend, usually they have to make a decision. They can either 1) keep the friendship “as is” or 2) attempt to move the relationship in a different direction. Yesterday, I wrote the article Stop Being "The Friend" - Tricks for Winning the Girl, which sets forth one possible method to progress a relationship past friendship.

When someone decides that they want more out of a friendship, they need to be comfortable that they could possibly lose the friendship altogether. This fear is the main reason that a lot of people decide to continue the relationship unaffected. Their theory is that something is better than nothing even if what they are receiving is unfulfilling.

Someone’s ability to stomach risk and be able to deal with the consequences dictates whether they are more or less likely to attempt to date a friend. Neither decision is wrong, but there are a couple mitigating factors to consider.

1) Will attempting to take the relationship to a new level heavily influence other relationships with friends and family? 2) Could and would you still be friends with this person after becoming involved in a serious relationship? 3) How big a factor does a fear of loneliness play into the friendship?

It is always preferable to keep bridges intact and networks strong. However, there are occasions when a friendship should be risked for the opportunity of a greater and stronger bond. But before moving in this direction, one has to feel comfortable with the possibility is losing the person for good.

Stop Being "The Friend" - Tricks for Winning the Girl

“The friend” is a guy she likes and has fun with, but just won’t date. He’s the back-up when no one else is available. He will answer her calls when she keeps getting other people’s voicemail. He is there to provide male attention when any attention is better than no attention at all. But all the while, she wouldn’t hesitate to cancel plans with “the friend” if something better came up.

Some guys seem to be able to always charm the girl while others are destined to be her friend. If a guy has been pigeon holed as “the friend”, can he still get the girl? With a little foresight, patience, and pizzazz, anything is possible.

Step one – stop being so damn available. Don’t run to meet her for brunch after she has had a terrible date the night before. Don’t be available on a Friday night for drinks after work when she calls you at 6 p.m. because her date canceled, and don’t pick up the phone every single time she calls. Instead, tell her you have a date and will try and meet up later depending how the date goes. Appear busy, even if you aren’t. In a couple of weeks or months, you will no longer be waiting for her to call because she will start to track you down.

Step two – do not let her talk about guys in front of you. Keep your conversation away from ex’s and current boyfriends. This is a job for her girlfriends, and if you entertain such banter, you a grouped with the rest of the girls and not as a possible love interest.

Step three – ignore steps one and two when the current boyfriend or love interest scorns her. Take her out for drinks and talk about what happened. Be her confident, her friend, the only one who understands her, and be open to where things may lead.

Living Together Before Marriage

Statistics indicate that Living together before marriage has become increasingly popular. Only 40 years ago, this was not the case. According to the U.S. Census, less than 500,000 unmarried couples were "shacking up" in 1960. (In fact, it was actually illegal in many states at the time.) But by 2000, cohabitation had lost its outlaw status, and currently over nine times as many people are unmarried and living together.

Caltholic Update expresses three reasons why couples cohabit before marriage in the article Cohabitation Before Marriage (June 2003).

Cohabiting for convenience. With John working the day shift in a factory, Mary the 3:00-11:00 hours at a hospital, and their two family homesteads almost a half hour drive apart, this couple found making time to be together a difficult and frustrating task. Renting an apartment and moving in together resolved that challenge.

Cohabiting for economy. Ann and Bill rented separate apartments and hoped to begin marriage with a home of their own. By sharing one apartment, they used the saved rental money to purchase a house.

Cohabiting for discernment. Sam and Alice grew up in a split family, both of their parents having divorced when they were in elementary school. Each found that experience painful and devastating. They do not want their children to suffer the same trauma of divorce. This couple thought that living together before marriage would help them evaluate their own relationship and better prepare them for marital life.

Presumably, if a couple can get along living in the same apartment before marriage, they will be able to get along with each other after marriage. However, if marriage is the ultimate goal, cohabitation for discernment has not demonstrated success predicting compatibility.

Living together may prove compatibility for a moment in time, but it provides no evidence for happiness together over a lifetime. Cohabitation Facts indicate that the chances of a divorce after living together are huge, much higher than for couples who have not lived together prior to marriage. If living together were a test of marital compatibility, the statistics should show opposite results - couples living together should have stronger marriages. But they don't. They have weaker marriages.

iVillage reports three reasons why living together prior to marriage may be risky in the article 3 Warnings: Living Together Might Not Be Smart.

Higher Divorce Rate. Perhaps the most compelling and widespread argument against living together before marriage is that several researchers say it increases the risk of breaking up. Virtually all studies of this topic have shown that the chance of divorce is significantly greater for married couples who lived together first. And in 1992, the National Survey of Families and Households found that, in 3,300 families, married couples who had lived together first were judged to be 46 percent more likely to get divorced.

Lower Quality of Life. When it comes to living together, more research suggests that the quality of life for unmarried couples is far lower than for married couples. Researchers David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead say cohabiting couples report lower levels of happiness, lower levels of sexual exclusivity and sexual satisfaction, and poorer relationships with their parents. Annual rates of depression are more than three times higher. And, finally, cohabiting women are more likely than married women to suffer physical and sexual abuse.

Living Together Doesn't Necessarily Lead to Marriage. After five to seven years, 21 percent of most cohabitating couples are still doing just that - cohabitating, without getting married. In a new study by Popenoe and Whitehead, one of the top 10 reasons why men said that they are reluctant to get married at all is because they can simply live with a woman and enjoy the same benefits.

Marriage is an agreement to take care of each other for life, regardless of life's ups and downs. But the commitment of living together is not like that at all. It is simply a month-to-month rental agreement. As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick around.

Many couples with month-to-month rental agreement never choose to save up for the down payment to buy the “house”. Why should the couple get married if they have all the benefits of marriage without any of the commitment? The couple can enjoy the “house” without having to worry about maintenance. If a pipe leaks and floods the basement, they can just move out without having to figure out how to fix or pay for the problem.

Marriage may also have negative effects on those who have been in the habit of following the month-to-month agreement. If a couple who has lived together prior to marriage does decide to get married, they may feel that their own behavior has passed the test, and any further accommodation should be unnecessary. Thus, these couples never improve (i.e. add a new kitchen) the “house”.

Couples who have not lived together before marriage begin their relationship assuming that they are in this thing for life, and all their habits usually reflect that commitment. They realize that the only way to have happiness and compatibility is to agree to take each other's feelings into account every time they make a decision. They want to build compatibility, not test it.

Couples who have not cohabitated out of marriage bought their "house" together. They both take pride in their purchase and are willing to put forth the time and money for all necessary renovations and upkeep. After all, they plan on living there a long time.

Help! I am on a Two Year Plan

She's mature, beautiful, educated and single, and she wants to get married and have kids within the next two years. Just because someone is ready to settle down, it doesn't mean they're desperate. However, nothing frightens a man away more than a woman who has a deadline for settling down, getting married and having kids.

It’s great to have a plan, it just gets scary when people put time expectations on it as well (i.e. a two year plan). People shouldn’t date someone that they wouldn't consider a future with, but is it realistic (or healthy) to think that "in three weeks he should tell me he loves me, in three months we should meet each others families, in six months he should propose, in one year we should get married, and in fifteen months we should be pregnant".

Someone should know their dating goals and be aware of where their relationship is headed. There is no point in staying in a stagnate relationship. However, one should also be flexible with their timetable. After all, everyone's relationships progress at different rates.

Am I Too Accommodating?

(Inspired by Dating Trooper's recent comment to Step #9 - Dating Deal Breakers.)

People who don't have any dating deal breakers may be too accommodating. Many people are so focused on finding a girlfriend/boyfriend that when they do finally meet someone, they become too accommodating in an effort to move the relationship forward quickly and without conflict. One should be considerate of their partner's interests and wishes without sacrificing their goals, aspirations, and dreams.

Being overly accommodating is a reason that a lot of relationships fail. If someone acts as a doormat, or makes their wishes subservient, the relationship is not viable. Eventually, a parasitic relationship leads to loss of respect, resent, and failure.

If having children or getting married is important to you, let your girlfriend/boyfriend know. When you are honest and up front with your dating goals, your girlfriend/boyfriend is aware of what you expect from the relationship in the future. It then becomes up to them to decide if they can (or want) to continue dating.

Step #7 - Know your Dating Goals

The first step to being able to effectively communicate your relationship goals is to know what you are looking for in a relationship.

Before you try and set specific goals, identify your ideal relationship. What type of relationship do you want right now, five years from now, and twenty years now? Do you want to be married? Do you want kids? Where do you want to live? Do you want a specific lifestyle?

Analyze your ideal relationship. Is this ideal is what YOU really want, or are you satisfying what someone else wants for you? Also determine if your dream is realistic. For example, marrying an Australian and living in Perth may not be feasible unless you are in an environment where you can meet single Aussies.

Qualify a set of dating goals from your ideal relationship. Goals should be specific. For example, “be happy” and “marry rich” are too general. What aspects of your ideal relationship would make you happy - having children, living near your family, having hobbies in common with your partner? If you want to marry rich, how do you plan to meet a rich, eligible partner? Apply reality or believability tests to your goals. If you doubt one of your goals can be accomplished, work on it some more.