Quit Sabotaging your Relationships

There are many ways in which we sabotage our own relationships. Sometimes we do consciously, but more often it is an unconscious act on our part. Most people want their relationships to work. When the relationship does not work they wonder why it failed. Many times the reason a relationship failed is that we were sabotaging it.

Sabotaging a relationship is something people do everyday. We do it for many different reasons. Sometimes we do it as a way of protecting ourselves; sometimes it is related to how we were raised or something that happened in a past relationship. Whatever the reason, there seems to be ten fatal flaws women make that sabotage their relationships.

The following outlines the ten fatal flaws you should be on the look out for so you can stop acting that way and have a healthy, happy relationship:

1. Choosing a partner based on the wrong criteria. If you always have a set criteria you look for in a man, maybe you are cheating yourself. You should not judge a man by what he has or doesn't have, but rather by who he is.

2. Letting the relationship progress too fast. When women are caught up in emotions they tend to let things move too quickly. By becoming too vulnerable too quickly you are opening the door for trouble. It is better to connect emotionally before letting things go too far.

3. Getting attached before you really know him. Women are emotional beings. We tend to let our heart rule our head. When you become too emotionally attached before getting to know a man then you are putting yourself at risk for ending up heart broken or being stuck in a bad relationship.

4. Being too clingy. If you abandon all your friends and all your other commitments so you can be with him all the time then you are making a major mistake. Becoming too clingy will defiantly drive him away. Not to mention that you will be driving away all the other people in your life.

5. Creating expectations. One thing women have to understand is that when they get into a relationship with a man they have to accept who he is. They can't always be trying to change him to meet their expectations. If he wasn't a millionaire when you met him, don't expect him to become one when you are together.

6. Allowing problems to build up. Many times women are content to ignore problems, thinking they will go away. When you do this you are only building yourself up for a major outburst. It is always better to handle problems directly and as soon as possible so they do not grow into something that can't be fixed.

7. Being fake. You can not try to be someone you are not just to attract a man. Once you start off lying your relationship will forever be scarred by that.

8. Lies. Lies of any kind are sure relationship killers. You have to be honest about everything from the start. If he can't accept you as you are then he isn't the right man for you.

9. Being too old fashioned. Some men appreciate a woman with old-fashioned values, but many men still prefer a women who can be independent and who thinks for herself. Men don't need a clingy, ditzy woman nor do they want one. They prefer an intellectual woman who is her own person.

10. Expecting your man to be your soul mate. Many women are on the quest to find that one true love they are meant to be with forever. Many times in this quest a woman passes up men who are wonderful and could be the one, if only they got to know them.

Having this idea of a soul mate can be quite damaging. It places unreal expectations and strain on a relationship.

Author Resource:- Jane Saeman runs a site called along with info on dating and relationship on her blog.

What Women Want

Men measure success through status, power and money. A great job, powerful allies, and cutting edge toys can determine pride and cause great envy. Women, on the other hand, measure their successes not only by what they own, who they know and their persuasive influence, but also through their ability to attract men, find a partner and raise a family.

Great men are macho examples of masculinity; great women are powerful feminists who also exude infinite hospitality, femininity, and charm.

The dual role of a female is difficult to balance. Women are supposed to succeed in school, sports, hobbies, and their careers while simultaneously establishing and raising a family. The ability for one person to commit enough time to flourish at all of these roles is difficult, if not impossible.

While I have come across a few notable exceptions, the primary goals of most men do not focus on getting married and raising a family. Evan Marc Katz’s writes in his September 5, 2007, article Why Reality Sucks, Fantasy Rules, and My Advice May Make You Upset that “YOU CAN’T CHANGE MEN!” I agree. So long as men are allowed to get their milk for free without buying the cow, they will continue to do so. Therefore, training men to become husbands and fathers falls upon the endless duties of women.

In our current society, being married and having a family is of greater importance to women. Not to say that men do not want families, but women are more frequently and harshly judged on their successes or failures in dating, marriage and motherhood. If the goal is marriage and having a family, then women need to realize that it is up to them to pave their own path to success.

Women Over 30 (part 2)

This is a post from the abandoned blog "My Friends are Idiots."

Now, let me describe (in general) the average 30 year old female. Now I maybe generalizing a bit (well probably quite a bit, but I'm not known to be too bright). I'd like to categorize the 4 kinds of females that are over 30.

1) Married
2) Pregnant
3) Married and Pregnant
4) Desperate

(Engaged counts as married)

Now single females don't want the dubious distinction of being 'desperate' so if you are not part of the first 3 groups, and didn't want to be known as being in group 4, you would probably put yourself in group #5, group #5 being 'active manhunt' mode. (which to me doesn't really exist cause group 5 is the same as group 4....)

Now this is the average single 30 year old guy:

1) Has job. (If you're lucky, you have a good job that pays money, hopefully lots of money.)
2) Has own place. (You might not own this place but at least you're not sleeping in same room as your kid brother)
3) Has vehicle. (This is pretty much obvious, what guy doesn't have a car?)
4) Has no curfew. (This is directly related to #2)
5) Has nothing to lose. (You can pretty much do whatever you want without worrying about the consequences cause there are no consequences when you're single and 30. Who's gonna be mad if you come home at 5 in the morning, barf on the kitchen floor and pass out with one shoe on. There are no witnesses, thus no one to yell at you.)

To a single woman, from my point of view, these traits are spectacular because..

1) They are single

2) They are single

3) They are single

4) They are single

A single 30 year old female will try to grab onto whatever they can so they can get into group 1, 2 or 3 and out of group '5'. (They may think they are in group 5 but c'mon, it's really group 4.) I still haven't quite nailed down the science of exactly why they want to be in the first 3 groups but I think it's a competition thing...Therefore most girls don't want to be in group 4 since all their friends are in the first 3 groups. (The girls that want to stay in group 4 are lots of fun to party with cause instead of being solely in group 4 they belong to a sub-group of what I like to dub 'sluts'!!!)

Now it's all gold for the single guy. No more on your knees begging for a date, buddy you're the king. Who cares if you're snaggle-toothed, if the girl is over 30, she'll over look that. Got a club foot? No matter. After a girl turns 30, it's like a 'discrimination' switch gets turned off and the 'desperate' switch is flicked on. I know I may bump into alot of opposition with my opinion but look around. How many single female friends over 30 do you have? And for the girls that fall into that group, how many always complain "There are never any good single guys out there"? The first single guy they bump into will already have a running start cause you know she's looking for a mate...if they can find him. So all I can say is;

Good luck single guy, you're gonna have the time of your life, if you are really out there.....

7 Signs He's About to Propose

His apartment is clean, he's dressing better, and Thursday night poker with the guys has turned into date night with you? Either your guy is coming down with something, or he's planning to pop the question! Read on for more telltale signs that he's ready to say "I do."

1. He's Growing Out of His Bachelor Ways
You can tell his bachelor days are behind him when his number one priority is no longer himself. If he's constantly using terms like "we" and "the future," and plans for a weekend with the guys in Vegas are suddenly on the back burner while he looks for romantic locales to visit with you, he's probably not just sick of his buddies -- he might be scouting the perfect place to propose.

2. He's Redecorating
You may also notice certain items have disappeared from his pad, like his college posters and Simpsons memorabilia. Did he ditch that ugly brown chair for a nice new couch? It could be the start of major changes -- your boyfriend is making room in his life for you, both physically and emotionally.

3. He's Curbing Big Purchases
Has your boyfriend gone from big spender to scrooge? The plasma screen TV he'd been planning to buy isn't hanging over his mantle, and instead of buying rounds of drinks at happy hour after work, he's home cooking dinner. No, he hasn't become a homebody; he's started to eliminate frivolous spending to brace for a large upcoming down payment (your ring!). He might have even opened up a new savings account or high rewards credit card as he gears up to make the big purchase. And it's not just the jewelry he's saving for -- he may be socking away money now so that the two of you will be comfortable well into the future.

4. He's Not Complaining About Weddings
While at a wedding together, it's more than just the usual eagerness for an open bar. He puts a vice grip on your hand during the vow exchange (is that a tear I see?), and comments on the couple's first dance choice and meal selection. Take it as a sign that he is paying attention to all things wedding-related because matrimony is on his mind.

5. He's Taken an Interest in Your Jewelry
Has he been complimenting your great ability to accessorize? Snooping around in your jewelry box? Holding your hand, constantly? Tying strings around your finger so you don't forget something meaningless? All kidding aside, when your favorite ring goes missing, you'll know for sure that he's trying to find a covert way to figure out your size.

6. He Wants to Meet the Parents
Okay, so he's probably already met your parents. If he hasn't, and has become insistent on meeting them, it's probably for a good reason. But if he already knows them well, and has become the first to RSVP for your nephew's birthday party, jumps at the chance for a weekend visit with your parents, or, even more telltale, tries to plan outings for both your families to hang out together, he's ready for the next step.

7. He's Acting Out of Character
You know his daily routine inside and out, and any variation is enough to give you pause. If he's super insistent that you guys do something you never do (like take a walk through a park, or drive to a place to watch the sunset), he may be setting up to speak those four little words: Will you marry me? After all that hard work, be sure to make it easy on him and say "yes!" by Meredith Gray (Read Full article).

Marriage, an Inconvenient Truth

Yesterday, Anonymous stated “being married is not a goal for me. I've been married. Wasn't great. Being a good relationship is what matters to me. I am. Maybe we'll marry. We probably should. Maybe later. Maybe not. I really don't care.”

First off, I do not believe your totally apathy toward marriage. You thumb your nose at the institution with statistically high failure rates to which you have contributed.

In your current situation, you have control of your relationship and cannot be disappointed because you demand nothing. There is no contract or mutual consideration. Dating is designed as a means to marriage, but you claim to be satisfied just to date the rest of your life.

Today children are corrupted by declining values and lack moral fortitude. Hollywood has peddled co-habitation and illegitimate children as acceptable lifestyles, and marriage has become an inconvenience. Why follow traditional social norms that demand marriage and fidelity when it is perfectly acceptable to live together and raise a family while just dating?

Marriage legitimizes a relationship that otherwise is comparable to those found in a brothel. It lays the foundation for the family unit that influences future generations, and marriage publicly announces a commitment to another person which can so easily be justifiably discounted when someone is merely dating.

Boyfriends are Not the Same as a Husbands

Thanks to everyone for their comments. Yesterday, Anonymous responded to MATCHinform's article, Yes, Men are Hormonally Charged, by writing:

I LOVE that someone wrote the above comment!!!!!! My ex used to say oh men couldn't be monogamous, that he would get bored with sex with same person for years and couldn't do it and no one really liked it. I lost my faith in men after that relationship. I thought he was telling me the truth. He was controlling as well. Kept a tight hold on when we could talk, could see each other, sleep together, etc and was really only nice to me until we slept together on our date and then I could tell he pretty much wanted me to get lost until our next date. After we broke up I was such a wreck because I felt so bad about myself after that relationship. HE then actually told me to go into therapy to get over it and the therapist told me that he had all of the classic signs of a sex addict. Every symptom I read about he had! It was such a relief to know although I had problems (like why I was drawn to him) that he really had problems and not all men were like that. THEY AREN'T!!!!!!. I have a great boyfriend now and trust him and it is wonderful. Most men WANT monogamy and emotional intimacy. Most women do too. Most everyone does if you are open to it. So I agree...this writer is peddling a load of crap. Sounds like he has a problem. Being romantic just to get sex! You should be ashamed!

It is nice that this writer has met someone that treats her well and she is happy in her current relationship; however, she should realize that this wonderful, caring, sensitive guy with whom she now spends time, also wants, in fact, I will venture to say, demands a physical relationship with her.

Yes, men fall in love too, but absent the sexual nature of the relations, even this "great boyfriend" will seek another outlet for what nature has designed him to accomplish.

Keep in mind that this "great boyfriend" is still simply a "boyfriend" and this is important. When he offers to put a ring on your finger, and you have a family, and you are both old and retired, then you can speak of a successful relationship. She seems to be describing a happy ending to her tale, when it is simply only the beginning of this new relationship. And we all know how great new relationships seem at the time.

The person who wrote this seems to be looking for her fairytale ending, and her therapist is feeding into this by telling her that all her past relationship problems should be placed squarely on her ex. Her therapist, without ever meeting the writer's ex (and I am sure the ex has his own version of this story), has diagnosed the guy as a sex addict.

I find it hilarious when females attempt to hide their own shortcomings by projecting disorders onto others. A man who thinks often of sex, who goes out of his way to get sex, and enjoys it greatly, is no addict, just healthy.

The nice guy, who loves you and takes care of you, the guy you feel you can trust, is simply exhibiting self-control! This is the difference between the ones who cannot be monogamous and those who can. The nicest, most caring gentleman you have ever known, is just as drawn to sex and the worst frat-boy with whom you have been involved. One chooses to control his hard-wired, animal instincts, the latter simply gives in.

But part of the onus is on you. Perhaps young women should not make it so easy for the ones who give in to their nature, perhaps young women should relearn an old word used when young men made such attempts: NO! It is an easy word, just one syllable.

It may be incumbent upon young women to act like ladies and demand their male counterparts conduct themselves like gentlemen.

Do not think that what goes on in the mind of a young man is anything close to the hopes and dreams that young women have.

If you could, for one night, actually be a man, and listen to our conversations, our jokes and our stories on conquest, you would think twice before even giving in to so much as a peck on the cheek without a promise from him.

Yes, Men Are Hormonally Charged

In response MATCHinform's post, My Ex Won't Leave me Alone, Anonymous said...”God, you make men sound awful. Why even bother if all men are like this? Only after sex? YOU may be that way, you pig, but I think other men are quite different. In fact I know that. Who is writing this garbage! Get some therapy you sicko!”

MATCHinform’s response: Men are not "only after sex" it just happens to be on top of the list of things they want. If sex were taken out of the equation, men would seldom take the time for walks on the beach, etc. If you think differently, you are deluding yourself.

How often do men stroll on the beach together? If it is about companionship, conversation and friendship, why do heterosexual males not have candlelight dinners?

Help! He Stopped Calling!

So you think that your boyfriend is avoiding me for some reason. Everything is completely normal then without notice he is ignoring or avoiding you. His phone is off, he hasn’t called, and he isn’t responding to text messages. What do you do???

My advice: Avoidance! Do not appear to be begging for attention. Do NOT appear desperate. He obviously thinks he has the upper-hand. If you are dating someone, notwithstanding external considerations, a daily contact should be expected.

If you make the daily contact, and you are speaking with a voice mail, then you had better back off until the other party makes an effort.

I know this is scary because it is a gamble, you risk losing contact with this person; however, if this person is contacting you at his leisure and only when it is convenient, do you really want to be forcing his attention on you? One cannot force a relationship.

Are Dating Sites Worth Your Time?

Though it might seem like online dating is the hottest trend on the planet, the real question is whether or not it actually works. You might see commercials about how certain dating sites have helped hundreds of couples get together and thought that their numbers sounded pretty successful to you. However, when you stop to think about how long some of these sites have been in business, it doesn’t seem to come out to a lot of success overall.

But is that the fault of the user or of the online dating service itself?

The answer to this question is unclear, but it can be debated on both sides. First of all, if you don’t try to meet people through the online dating site, chances are good that you probably won’t. If you’re not writing a strong profile and you’re not attempting to meet people in real life, you’re probably not going to find love. On the other hand, if the online dating site doesn’t help you find new people or it doesn’t have a lot of people using the site, you have to wonder if this site is really hoping that you will meet someone. If they’re not giving you advice or making it easy, you may be starting out at a disadvantage.

Are dating sites worth your time? Absolutely. But just as with any commitment, both sides need to work at it. (Originally posted July 7, 2007 by Julie.)

Who needs to get married anyway?

Who needs to get married anyway? Years ago, men often married for sex, which didn't come so easily, and this motivated them. Sex meant pleasure, which humans crave, and the prospect of unlimited sex propelled many a man into marrying.

Today, men can have this without marrying. A woman must now understand the other reasons a man marries. Most men get married in the hope of improving their life. Somehow they believe marriage makes life better for themselves. Once women understand this basic concept, they can start to understand why a man wants to marry and why he doesn't.

A man who sees marriage as burdensome, hard, upsetting, or painful will avoid marrying. A person may love you, but avoid marrying you (or anybody else) if they somehow believe life with you will be difficult. For some men, single life just is better - and nothing will sway them. They may like women, but they don't need them. You can't change this type of man.

A man must feel he is 'getting' something by marrying you - a feeling, a reward, a purpose, comfort, thrills, whatever. If you can figure out what constitutes pleasure and meaning to him, then you can begin to understand why he would marry. Is pleasure for him having a family? A beautiful wife other guys will envy? A helper and emotional support? A best friend for life? Would he love not having to worry about cooking and cleaning? Does he need help financially? Does he need a woman to baby him? Be his partner? Help him straighten himself out? Is he looking for a woman to have a blast with? Or a woman to take care of? Does he want a woman he has to work for and please?

Every man has his own agenda. It is the woman’s job to figure out what the man wants. As you begin to understand his needs, ask yourself if you can fill or even want to fill these needs. Be honest. If you see his needs don't match what you are willing to give, say goodbye. For him to give you what you want, he must get what he wants, and vice versa.

Meeting Her Family

Meeting the family can make or break a relationship. Whether the relatives know best or not, their opinions do count. Guys, do not make your girlfriend regret not prepping you.

First of all, make sure that you dress to impress. Going to meet someone's parents in your vintage, hole-ridden, acid-washed jeans will not get you the utmost respect. This doesn't mean wear a suit, but be presentable and dress for the venue/occasion.

Be confident. When you meet them for the first time, give them a firm handshake. Nothing says castrated male more than a limp-noodle handshake. Not to mention, when it's firm, it shows you mean business. All men-who-mean-business use the firm shake, sometimes with an additional forearm grab. If you are feeling brave, throw in a pound. If you are feeling brave and foolish, try a low-five.

Make good conversation. One of the most pivotal parts of meeting anyone - parents, girls, the president - is the conversation. If you have mastered the art of conversation, you are a deadly force just waiting to disarm parents at every turn. Use anecdotes and, most importantly, well-timed (and appropriate) jokes. Remember that the purpose you are there is to meet the family and attention focused away from direct conversation will be noted, so do not strike up a conversation with the bartender.

Finally, say farewell and be gracious. I shouldn’t have to mention this point, but I know of too many instances where a guy has “disappeared” without a goodbye and thank you. No feelings of awkwardness can justify or excuse this cowardly and low-class move, and it doesn't count if your girlfriend says goodbye on your behalf.

Older Men

By Ask the Working Girl from Banker's Ball, Ask the Ex-Working Girl: On Older Men… (July 12, 2006).

“I have personal prejudices against older guys because only in New York is it ok to find men of your dad’s age hanging out in clubs. One thing that I would like to say to young women – ‘do not go for older guys only because they have achieved a lot and have lots of money for the simple reason that in NYC, you will find younger guys who have achieved a lot and have lots of money. They are just harder to catch, but well worth the fishing. That’s the beauty of NY — lots of young, cute men with huge bank accounts. So there’s no need to date an older man unless you are being lazy about it.”

Which reminds me of another great quote from another great woman. Coco Chanel once said — “There are no ugly women in this world, just lazy ones.” My interpretation of these quotes is that both women are saying the same thing. As women, if we put our minds to it, we can get anything we want, we just have to put some thought and work into it. Okay, that is enough Oprah-esque advice for the week.

Taming the Toxic Bachelor (Part 3)

Monday’s article on Toxic Bachelors was circulated around the peanut gallery. The conclusion simply put, those who do not fall into the described category of Toxic Bachelor are those who would like to but do not possess the wherewithal.

If the majority of available men in their 20s and 30s are Toxic Bachelors or have Toxic bachelor envy, are single women screwed? It appears to be a Catch 22. Do women force men to respect them and quit providing free milk knowing that even if a select group withholds milk, there will be a large portion still handing out samples? Or do men spontaneously start behaving like gentlemen, giving up their playboy ways?

I hate to tell you ladies, but the horse must be before the cart. Women have to relearn how to act like ladies, because all people, men and women will take the easy road. If men always proposed marriage every time they dated a woman, then they too would be making things too easy.

Dating or courtship is a delicate game of cat and mouse. The role of cat or mouse interchange from time to time during the game because human nature dictates a love of the chase, although too often we bury our nature for instant gratification.

Taming the Toxic Bachelor (Part 2)

The number of toxic men, according to the article, is growing. Why would this be happening?

Think about this historically: there was a time when a man could not stay single so long, as the goal most men seek, and think about most of the day, was not readily attainable in days past; however, in this era of "enlightenment" and "equality" one of the main limitations in the life of a young, single man exists no more. Now any male can have his cake and eat it too, several times a week, if he wishes.

What does a young man gain from marriage that he cannot have single? Today's man can keep all his freedom, have all his fun and never once have to explain his whereabouts to anyone.

The milk is free to all who ask, so who needs the maintenance complications of cow ownership? We live in a world where tradition, loyalty, social mores, and pride in doing anything simply for goodness sake, have been replaced by easy access to instant gratification. A game of catch on the front yard is replaced by the plasma TV and a video game, a father's authority is marginalized by society and government, thus a male feels little pride in fulfilling his role. Many women today have opted to pretend that the male gender is nothing more than a donor of sperm and young men because it is easy option to play that role, do so with pleasure.

In order to tame toxic men, it is up to females in society to act as moral compasses, which historically they have done so well, and keep the milk where it belongs, right up until the consumer of the product agrees to buy it. Otherwise, one will acquire a taste for milk that has soured, if for no other reason then only for the low price.

Taming the Toxic Bachelor (Part 1)

According to the Urban Dictionary, toxic bachelors are the “worst men around. They are liars, cheats, users and abusers. Toxic bachelors are expert players and will always lie to women and to whom ever to get what they want. They will often use the same pick up lines and rely heavily on their looks and fake charm to attract women. Extremely shallow and only care about physical appearances. Toxic bachelors are typically good looking, well dressed and are usually salesmen.”

Despite adverse health risks linked to the Toxic Bachelor lifestyle, the movement is gaining popularity. Eventually, after ten to twenty years of hangovers and weekend relationships, these men grow up and settle down with a woman ten years their junior. Does a modern woman have to just wait and hope that she catches one of these guys when they are finally ready to settle down, or is it possible to tame the Toxic Bachelor?

Men lie to get sex. Women lie to get married.

Manhattan Wedlock! Never-Married Women, Toxic Bachelors by Candace Bushnell

Lunch the other day. Vicious gossip with a man I’d just met. We were discussing mutual friends, a couple. He knew the husband, I knew the wife. I’d never met the husband and I hadn’t seen the wife in years (except to run into her occasionally on the street), but as usual, I knew everything about the situation.

“It’s going to end badly,” I said. “He was naïve. A stool pigeon. He came in from Boston and he didn’t know anything about her and she jumped at the opportunity. She’d already gone through a reputation. No guy in New York would have married her.”

I attacked my fried chicken, warming up to the subject. “Women in New York know. They know when they have to get married, and that’s when they do it. Maybe they’ve slept with too many guys or they know nothing’s ever going to really happen with their career, or maybe they really do want kids. Until then, they put it off for as long as they can. Then they have that moment, and if they don’t take it…” I shrugged. “That’s it. Chances are, they’ll never get married.”

The other guy at the table, a corporate, doting dad type who lives in Westchester, was looking at us in horror. “But what about love?” he asked.

I looked at him pityingly. “I don’t think so.”

When it comes to finding a marriage partner, New York has its own particularly cruel mating rituals, as complicated and sophisticated as an Edith Wharton novel. Everyone knows the rules—but no one wants to talk about them. The result is that New York has bred a particular type of single woman—smart, attractive, successful and… never-married. She is in her late 30’s or early 40’s, and, if empirical knowledge is good for anything, she will probably never get married.

This is not about statistics. Or exceptions. We all know about the successful playwright who married the beautiful fashion designer a couple of years older than he is. But when you’re beautiful and successful and rich and “know everyone,” the normal rules don’t apply.

What if, on the other hand, you’re 40 and pretty and you’re a television producer or have your own P.R. company, but you still live in a studio and sleep on a fold-out couch—the 90’s equivalent of Mary Tyler Moore? Except, unlike Mary Tyler Moore, you’ve actually gone to bed with all those guys instead of demurely kicking them out at 12:02 A.M.? What happens to those women?

There are thousands, maybe tens of thousands of women like this in the city. We all know lots of them, and we all agree they’re great. They travel, they pay taxes, they’ll spend $400 on a pair of Manolo Blahnik strappy sandals.

“There is nothing wrong with these women,” said Jerry, 39, an entertainment lawyer who happened to marry one of these smart women, three years older than he is. “They’re not crazy or neurotic. They’re not Fatal Attraction.” Jerry paused. “Why do I know so many great women who aren’t married, and no great guys? Let’s face it, the unmarried guys in New York suck.”

Dating a Co-worker

Dating a co-worker is one of the worst ideas imaginable. An office relationship will always have some negative implications no matter how much planning, secrecy, and diplomacy is involved. If the temptation is too overwhelming, here are some suggestions to minimize causalities.

Have an exit strategy. Before you begin a relationship, consider the consequences of it ending. Will you be able to handle the emotional and professional pressure of seeing this co-worker every day if things don’t work out, and can you re-establish a professional demeanor with a person?

If things do work out and you decide to tie the knot, you should be prepared for one of you to look for another job, either outside the company or within another department. Whether you can both stay in your current positions will depend on your company’s policy and the reaction of your co-workers and supervisors.

Avoid dating your subordinate. When a manager dates someone who reports directly to him or her, the relationship usually presents a genuine conflict of interest for the manager. As a supervisor, you are responsible for evaluating your employee's work and making promotion and compensation decisions. Dating someone who reports to you could cause fellow employees to accuse you of favoritism or cutting your lover too much slack.

And, while you both may get involved in a relationship consensually, if (when) the romance fades you and your company could be hit with a harassment lawsuit if the employee feels mistreated, didn’t get a desired raise or promotion or worse, is terminated.

Keep your love life to yourself. If you are going to start a relationship with a co-worker, it’s best to keep it between the two of you. Avoid any public displays of affection and discussions regarding personal matters at the office. . Also remember that most companies have strict e-mail policies, so it’s best to keep non-professional communication offline. Be totally professional in the office or around other co-workers. And if confronted by others, deny, deny, deny. It’s not lying when you refuse to be forthcoming with your personal and private matters

Don’t let your relationship affect your performance. If your romance is affecting your work, you may be asked to end your relationship or find another job. You may have to decide between your career and your companion. (Read original article.)

How to Sell Yourself on a Date

Be an interesting conversationalist. Keep a few good stories handy and plug them in at the right moments. Since most small talk centers on movies, music and other topics of popular interest, keep an eye on current trends. And remember that people love to talk about themselves.

Be comfortable with yourself. Self-assurance gives an aura of desirability that people can't resist. Raising your confidence levels is perhaps one of the toughest things to do, but its effects can be seen everywhere in your life, from dating and business to sports. Recognize that you have qualities that others seek.

Don't be desperate or too eager. No one likes a suck-up. Being pathetic will only hurt your chances. Know your worth and use that tool. Let a date sense that you can do very well without them, and that it's in their best interest to keep you around.

Be a gentleman or a lady. It's time to prove the cynics wrong and show that etiquette and poise is not a dying breed. Being a gentleman will set you apart from other men, and your chivalry, no matter how small, will be remembered. A gentleman respects women. He shows interest in them by listening to them and respecting their views. A gentleman opens her door and helps her put on her jacket. He offers to pay the bill and walks her to her door. When women see that you want more than just sex from them, they'll be that much more enchanted.

Acting like a lady will also set you apart. Be the woman that he would be proud to introduce to his mother, not the girl he wants to brag about to his buddies. Dress sexy, not provocatively. Do not show too much skin or wear clothing that is two sizes too small. A camisole under a blazer is far sexier than the midriff top. Also, a peck on the cheek is the most you should even consider expecting at the end of a date, and only if they kiss you. Men share stories and details when physical intimacy occurs early in a relationship. Only participate in activities that you feel comfortable with all of his friends knowing about.

Confessions of a Matchmaker

Get ready for some tough love as A&E presents the original real-life comedic series, Confessions of a Matchmacker. Confessions of a Matchmaker is part reality show, part dating game, and part "train wreck" voyeurism. Due to its setting in Buffalo, NY, the show lacks some appeal to urban trendsetters, but overall I was pleasantly surprised.

This is no ordinary dating show and she is no ordinary matchmaker. For the past six years, matchmaker Patti Novak has been warming up the lonely hearts of Buffalo – a city with one of the highest populations of singles per capita – with her no-nonsense style of tough love. Now, she is letting cameras into her sessions and on dates with her clients….sharing the secrets of her success with the world.

Set in Buffalo, New York, Confessions of a Matchmaker follows singles desperate for Patti's help, from their initial interview, through the date, and finally, to the often painfully honest follow-up where Patti assesses their performance and reveals whether or not a match has been made. The series goes inside the real world of dating, where people are flawed and sometimes just need a good swift kick. And Patti is not afraid to give it to them. The Simon Cowell of dating, Patti’s brutal honesty and gut instincts are like nothing you’ve ever seen. They may not end up in a hot-tub at the end of every episode… in fact, more than likely, they’ll end up in hot water with Patti for not following her advice! (Read full article.)

While I wouldn’t program the TIVO just yet, Confessions of a Matchmaker is worth a peek if you are channel surfing and happen to catch it on A&E.

My Ex Won't Leave Me Alone

In response to "Bumping" into an Ex, Mavis commented, “If this is true then why is it that every time I run into my ex he wants to hang with me? I'm never going to meet someone new if he's always with me in public!!”

Overwhelmingly, women are more interested in their ex following a relationship. Men have a tendency to care a whole lot less about their ex unless 1) they are looking for an easy hook-up or 2) their ego becomes involved.

Plain and simply, men are after sex. Men may take long walks on a beach or share romantic candle lit dinners; however, these romantic gestures are not due to their sensitivity but a desire to progress the relationship physically. Remember that your ex has already learned what to do and say to create an atmosphere which promotes physicality. They are also fully aware that a woman is far more willing to hook-up with someone with whom she is comfortable and has already been intimate. So, if a guy sees his ex out and he does not have another prospect immediately available, his ex becomes the most plausible hook-up option for the evening.

Another reason an ex may want to hang out around you following a relationship is ego. Men are possessive and have strong attachments to property. A man will always be tied to a car that he drove or owned, even if he hasn’t had possession of the car in decades. They feel the same way about women. A guy may feel that his ego is threatened whenever another male tries to cash in on his ex.

The best way to confront an ex that "bumps into you" and then wants to hang out is to acknowledge then dismiss him. Say something to the effect, “It’s great to see you. I hope everything is going great.” Don’t elaborate on the details of your life, but finish the brief conversation with “I am here with people. Nice to see you. Take care.” Physically move away from your ex either across the room, to a new area, or a new establishment. If they don’t take the hint and pursue you further, then they may have a bigger problem.