My Ex Won't Leave Me Alone

In response to "Bumping" into an Ex, Mavis commented, “If this is true then why is it that every time I run into my ex he wants to hang with me? I'm never going to meet someone new if he's always with me in public!!”

Overwhelmingly, women are more interested in their ex following a relationship. Men have a tendency to care a whole lot less about their ex unless 1) they are looking for an easy hook-up or 2) their ego becomes involved.

Plain and simply, men are after sex. Men may take long walks on a beach or share romantic candle lit dinners; however, these romantic gestures are not due to their sensitivity but a desire to progress the relationship physically. Remember that your ex has already learned what to do and say to create an atmosphere which promotes physicality. They are also fully aware that a woman is far more willing to hook-up with someone with whom she is comfortable and has already been intimate. So, if a guy sees his ex out and he does not have another prospect immediately available, his ex becomes the most plausible hook-up option for the evening.

Another reason an ex may want to hang out around you following a relationship is ego. Men are possessive and have strong attachments to property. A man will always be tied to a car that he drove or owned, even if he hasn’t had possession of the car in decades. They feel the same way about women. A guy may feel that his ego is threatened whenever another male tries to cash in on his ex.

The best way to confront an ex that "bumps into you" and then wants to hang out is to acknowledge then dismiss him. Say something to the effect, “It’s great to see you. I hope everything is going great.” Don’t elaborate on the details of your life, but finish the brief conversation with “I am here with people. Nice to see you. Take care.” Physically move away from your ex either across the room, to a new area, or a new establishment. If they don’t take the hint and pursue you further, then they may have a bigger problem.

"Bumping" into an Ex

Generally, when a woman runs into an ex, she takes the time to chat with him. Men, on the other hand, practice evasion and avoidance. For whatever reason, women have a strong desire to show-up their exes. They want to prove that they are happier, more successful, and more desirable than their former beau, so they engage in superficial conversation to determine what their ex has been up to and flaunt their own accomplishments.

Forget about the past and old relationships. Most of the time there is a good reason why they didn't work, and an ex is the one person you don't want to meet when you are out with your new boyfriend. The mind has a way of allowing you to remember the past fondly, even if it was not so great.

So I reiterate, forget about old relationships; however, if you decide to venture into past memories, try to remember the reasons for the relationship being over.

It is Not Jealousy, It is Just Trashy

Anonymous posted the following comment in response a recent MATCHinform blog article.

[Not wanting your girlfriend/boyfriend to be friends with an ex] hasn't got anything to do with social customs - it is jealousy, the Green-Eyed Monster, plain and simple; and it's rooted in insecurity. Exes share a history that current partners/spouses don't and can't. So what?

First of all thank you for your comment. I believe that it is a narrow approach to insinuate that jealousy is the governing factor for not wanting your girlfriend/boyfriend to be fiends with an ex. Whether or not mistrust and jealousy play into the issue are secondary to pride and self-respect. Pride in your relationship and self-respect are the reasons NOT to continue relationships with exes.

We live in a world where Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson are role models for young woman, and dating is less traditional. Activities that were once considered taboo are now discussed freely. Cute Jewess discusses in her blog when she should and will be intimate with her dates. Our culture accepts that some activities that used to only be appropriate in a married relationship are now part of “dating.”

True or not, the general public is going to assume that certain activities are part of the contemporary dating culture. People are getting married later in life and most will have had previous relationships. When someone is friends with an ex (or two), they are flaunting their score card, not only in front of their current girlfriend/boyfriend, but also in front of the rest of society who (like it or not) will draw their own conclusions.

PlanJam agrees with MATCHinform

Last month, MATCHinform posted a series of articles on why you should not be friends with your ex. The responses to our posts were controversial, as many singles think that it is still perfectly acceptable to be friends with their ex or a member of the opposite sex.

I am happy to report that not everyone disagrees with MATCHinform’s step #2 (do not be friends with members of the opposite sex). PlanJam published a post today, How to Handle Your Ex. This article reiterates many of the points that MATCHinform already expressed.

As discussed on MATCHinform’s MySpace account, MATCHinform also takes the position that you should not be friends with an ex, even if you share a child. Your ex is your child’s parent, not your friend. You should be polite and respectful, but there is no reason for you to go to a movie, dinner, or other social function that does not directly involve your child.

Today's Post - Amended

In the dating world - if you're single and pursuing a traditional marriage, things are black and white. They do not exist in shades of gray. There is no exception that you can cheat on your boyfriend or that you can stay friends with your ex. These points are specific, absolute and supported by generalizations.

We must speak in generalizations; otherwise it would take far too long to make our point. If one were forced to make mention of every exception when making a point, it would quickly become a tiresome conversation. The sky is blue, airplanes fly, and men are larger than women, all true statements even though some days the sky is grey and at night it even turns to black, a broken-down airplane may not fly, and I am sure there are some women out there who are larger than some men. Like I said, tiresome!

Refer to the comments from the previous post - Social circles are smaller in many countries because most of the population in these places is not very transient, the lack of funds and opportunity in many of these countries limits movement. The traditions and morays in many of these countries are not ones we should attempt to emulate, for example: In Italy and France, it is socially acceptable for a middle aged, successful man to take a younger lover, regardless of his marital vows. Jacque Chirac explained this while serving as President.

Traditionally, in this country and others, being friends with a former boyfriend/girlfriend would not be so inappropriate as traditionally dating was not synonymous with sex. There was a time, in this country and others when societal morays dictated that an unmarried couple exercises some degree of self-control thus limiting the awkwardness of interacting with an ex.

In these "enlightened" times, when people put about as much importance on sex as they do a handshake, the "exes" know each other far too well, in a Biblical sense. If this "knowledge" does not make the other member of your current relationship uncomfortable, then I would suggest rethinking how much importance that other member places on the relationship. If you care so little about what that other member is feeling as to carry on such relationships, then that other member should do some rethinking!

You should NOT be friends with your ex...

Yesterday’s comments were interesting and combine both Monday’s and Tuesday’s topics. You cannot (or rather should not) be friends with an ex, and here is why.

Your relationship is over. It ended amicably; you went back and forth for a while; you just decided to quit dating – I don’t care, and it is irrelevant. The two of you have decided to be friends. After all, think of all the time, history, experiences you share. Plus you two still really care about one another. That’s all fine and dandy until…one of you decides to date somebody else.

His new girlfriend will be uncomfortable with your special relationship, your past experiences, and your history. She may claim that you are her new best friend; she is lying. He is dating her now. She doesn’t want to be reminded that there was someone before her, a past where she was absent. His new girlfriend will inevitably compete against you to establish her role as his number one. In some cases, she may go as far as to try and discredit you in front of others or sabotage your relationship with him.

All of this turmoil does not include the hindrance that this friendship with your ex will cause you establishing a successful relationship of your own. What guy wants to date a woman whose friend shared many important parts of her life with her? You and your ex already have a history, joke around, and feel a comfort and ease that he is desperately trying to establish with you. AND to top it off, you want him to go out and pal around with this guy (your ex) and pretend to be his friend?

Being “friends” with an ex is possible, but it is selfish. Just remember that for the comfort and ease of this friendship, you are sabotaging your future success and happiness. Every time that either of you try to establish a new relationship, you will be continually shooting yourself in the foot.

Guys and Girls Cannot be Friends - Amended

There has been much response to Monday’s post "Guys and Girls Cannot be Friends."

Interestingly, I have not had one guy come forward to defend his relationship with a woman. They have all pretty much confessed that they usually have a hidden agenda. Guys have responded that they are friends with women because they think may be able to hook-up with her at some point or worse yet, hope that she may fall in love with him. If the guy thinks that he can hook-up with you he has either hooked-up with you in the past or thinks he can and will try in the future. If the guy has a crush on you and you do not return the sentiment, he will inevitably become “that guy” and a joke to both you and his own friends.

Girls have been vocal to defend their relationships with men as strictly platonic. Again, I disagree. Be realistic and answer the following questions. First, has there ever been any romantic inclination between the two of you? A hug, holding hands, a kiss … these all count with the proper intent. Second, can you promise that the thought of anything romantic will never occur for either of you in the future? Third, do you keep him as your friend because you know you can call him up for brunch, coffee, a drink, to talk, etc., and he will be there for your support? He is not your lap dog and quit being so selfish and leading him on. If you are the guy, grow some balls.

Going Back to Your Ex

Why we go back to exes. It is primal. Interestingly enough, during a relationship, we fixate on the bad, too often anyways. When we break up, we fixate on the good.

Comfort, ease and the human protection mechanism of not allowing the bad to occupy too much space in our long-term memory, makes the thought of returning to an ex so acceptable to us. When you feel that perfect dress and make-up are not necessary because you have already seen each other at your worst, and conversation will flow, you can easily be sucked into making such a mistake.

Men often go back because it can mean easy intimacy without so much as buying dinner. Women go back because they have something hidden the recesses of their minds that make them think they might reignite a romance. As a result, in such situations, women are almost invariably let down and men end up confused.

Guys and Girls Cannot be Friends

Can men and women be friends? I say absolutely not. None of my married girlfriends have male acquaintances, so why do my single girlfriends think that they should maintain these relationships?

My single girlfriends maintain that guys that they date do not care about their male friends because…

“It's just a very good friend that I have had for many years who I know has a huge crush on me and has for years, even though there's no chance anything's going to happen.”

“Anyway, he's just been a really good friend who I know would come get me if I was ever in a jam.”

“No, I’ve been friends with him for years, through many boyfriends and no one's ever been jealous.”

“He’s different because there's no threat.”

My contention is that it crushes a guy’s ego for his girlfriend to hang out with "male friends,” and I would not want to date a weak guy that 1) does not tell you it crushes his ego or 2) has no ego to crush.