Boyfriends are Not the Same as a Husbands
Thanks to everyone for their comments. Yesterday, Anonymous responded to MATCHinform's article, Yes, Men are Hormonally Charged, by writing:
I LOVE that someone wrote the above comment!!!!!! My ex used to say oh men couldn't be monogamous, that he would get bored with sex with same person for years and couldn't do it and no one really liked it. I lost my faith in men after that relationship. I thought he was telling me the truth. He was controlling as well. Kept a tight hold on when we could talk, could see each other, sleep together, etc and was really only nice to me until we slept together on our date and then I could tell he pretty much wanted me to get lost until our next date. After we broke up I was such a wreck because I felt so bad about myself after that relationship. HE then actually told me to go into therapy to get over it and the therapist told me that he had all of the classic signs of a sex addict. Every symptom I read about he had! It was such a relief to know although I had problems (like why I was drawn to him) that he really had problems and not all men were like that. THEY AREN'T!!!!!!. I have a great boyfriend now and trust him and it is wonderful. Most men WANT monogamy and emotional intimacy. Most women do too. Most everyone does if you are open to it. So I agree...this writer is peddling a load of crap. Sounds like he has a problem. Being romantic just to get sex! You should be ashamed!
It is nice that this writer has met someone that treats her well and she is happy in her current relationship; however, she should realize that this wonderful, caring, sensitive guy with whom she now spends time, also wants, in fact, I will venture to say, demands a physical relationship with her.
Yes, men fall in love too, but absent the sexual nature of the relations, even this "great boyfriend" will seek another outlet for what nature has designed him to accomplish.
Keep in mind that this "great boyfriend" is still simply a "boyfriend" and this is important. When he offers to put a ring on your finger, and you have a family, and you are both old and retired, then you can speak of a successful relationship. She seems to be describing a happy ending to her tale, when it is simply only the beginning of this new relationship. And we all know how great new relationships seem at the time.
The person who wrote this seems to be looking for her fairytale ending, and her therapist is feeding into this by telling her that all her past relationship problems should be placed squarely on her ex. Her therapist, without ever meeting the writer's ex (and I am sure the ex has his own version of this story), has diagnosed the guy as a sex addict.
I find it hilarious when females attempt to hide their own shortcomings by projecting disorders onto others. A man who thinks often of sex, who goes out of his way to get sex, and enjoys it greatly, is no addict, just healthy.
The nice guy, who loves you and takes care of you, the guy you feel you can trust, is simply exhibiting self-control! This is the difference between the ones who cannot be monogamous and those who can. The nicest, most caring gentleman you have ever known, is just as drawn to sex and the worst frat-boy with whom you have been involved. One chooses to control his hard-wired, animal instincts, the latter simply gives in.
But part of the onus is on you. Perhaps young women should not make it so easy for the ones who give in to their nature, perhaps young women should relearn an old word used when young men made such attempts: NO! It is an easy word, just one syllable.
It may be incumbent upon young women to act like ladies and demand their male counterparts conduct themselves like gentlemen.
Do not think that what goes on in the mind of a young man is anything close to the hopes and dreams that young women have.
If you could, for one night, actually be a man, and listen to our conversations, our jokes and our stories on conquest, you would think twice before even giving in to so much as a peck on the cheek without a promise from him.
7 comments:
Fine. Be careful who you keep company with is more like it.
But let me paraphrase your basic premise: I am not responsible for my behavior because my nature compels me to act as such. Others are responsible for the hurt they feel by my actions, because they did not say 'no' to me even though I was manipulating them to get what I want. Fun stuff. An insane person is not liable for their actions because they do not know right from wrong. A psychopath knows right from wrong but does not care. Which are you, I wonder, with your skewed view of the world?
The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. Good luck with that and to anyone who may be unfortunate enough to care for you.
And for the record: The anon comment writer at 1:59 (me) said she knew she had problems (we ALL have problems, dear) but it was nice to know she wasn't the only one and that she could actually trust someone. And just so you know it's a long term relationship of over 5 years now. So your argument falls apart....and if you are wondering why I posted these comments being happily attached?.... I was just referred to this site by an unhappy single friend who had a similar experience and saw your posts. Tsk, tsk.......
One is always responsible for his or her actions, this is hardly debatable; however, we are not responsible for our nature. The sexes are hard-wired for the purpose of continuing the species at all cost, and in a natural setting it is possible for one male to impregnate several females in a short period of time. The alternative scenario does not
assist in perpetuating the growth of a population; therefore a male is more likely to have the proclivity for polygamy.
Once again, we are certainly responsible for not having the strength to exhibit a modicum of self control when faced with our human nature.
With regard success being described as a happy five year relationship, I have to suggest that your views of relationships have obviously been shaped by the warped feminist culture taught to our young by Hollywood and the like.
Five years of dating, without progress beyond such an adolescent relationship, is really a failure. It seems this "great guy" might not wish to purchase a cow that gives an ample supply of milk free.
My argument does not fall apart, it is further supported by your own admission of an endless affair, in which he gets all the pleasures of marriage, without even the slightest bit of the responsibility.
If I may quote: "the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one".
I see I touched a nerve as you are scrambling here. I love how you gave yourself another out..."we are certainly responsible for not having the strength to exhibit a modicum of self control when faced with our human nature".... For not having the strength to have some moral fiber.......poor poor baby....must be tough..but sounds like a sex addict to me. I tire of this banter. You are wrong. I am right. And being married is not a goal for me. I've been married. Wasn't great. Being a good relationship is what matters to me. I am. Maybe we'll marry. We probably should. Maybe later. Maybe not. I really don't care.
But those comments show is you are obviously NOT a relationship specialist, except in knowing that some men and you are pigs. Why don't you get another job that you are better at?
Good luck to you. Something tells me you are going to need it.
Ok, some men are pigs, it sucks. Let's move on.
I think it's good to emphasize that some men are pigs, so he's doing all of us a favor. I forget that sometimes. Nice to be reminded. I'm sure going to change my behavior and expectations around guys now. Never really thought about it before.
I was reading over this post and Anonymous (7:07) you are demonstrating an overly emotional, super-sensitivity on this issue, you exhibit a degree of anger that might lead a reader to come to the conclusion that matchinform is not the one suffering from more than a few raw nerves.
It was you who opted to write about your failed relationship, matchinform simply added their two cents, to which you responded so angrily. I assume the only advice you wish to hear, is that which support the decisions you have made in your life. The very decisions that have caused many of the problem about which you originally complained.
Your use of barnyard animals to describe those with whom you disagree could be described as "scrambling", and does little to support your claim of discovering such happiness in the arms of your "great guy". Your statement about not wanting to get married is either dishonest, or a very sad statement about the strength your own moral fiber. If marriage is not the goal in your current relationship, what is? Providing a man with a cheap and easy means of satisfying his carnal desires? Not a very lofty goal.
This "great guy" it seems to lack the moral courage to legitimize your current relationship, leading you on with what seems to be an endless affair, and you can pretend that this is your choice if you wish, but you are not very convincing. I think you know better, regardless of your attempts to rationalize your choices.
You "tire of this banter" simply because you have been hit way too close to home for comfort, and this should give you cause to rethink where you are at this point in time, and how you got there.
Having had a bad marriage does not lessen the importance of such a commitment, it gives one the chance to explore what was done wrong, regardless of which party one thinks is at fault, although, as in most cases, I am sure there was plenty of fault to go around.
Do not be so quick to eschew the fine societal traditions that have held that society together for thousands of years. It verges on narcissism to assume you have found a better way in your short time here, than great people over many generations have established as a guideline for a proper lifestyle.
I believe it was Robert Service who said, "Ah the clock is slow, it is later than you think, sadly later than you think; far, far later than you think".
This should be taken to heart because the years will pass far more quickly that you will expect, and without the benefit of a legitimate, legal and binding relationship, you will risk a lonely and empty retirement. A fate I would not wish upon my worst enemy, much less upon a poor, misguided female.
I really do wish you the best of luck, and not in the facetious way in which you offer such well-wishes.
Males and Females aren't that different... why is it the females responsibility to say NO when it comes to sex???
Im a female and I love sex, and sometimes I can get out of control too...and I won't say NO, because I want it too.
But there's no way a man will try to make me feel bad because HE thinks it went too far... if he really thinks it went too far, HE should have said NO.
Sex is a great thing and women love sex as much as men. It's a though thing to do when your in the heat of the moment to just stop it and say no.
If a person isn't ready to get involve in such a way, he's the one who should say no.
Men aren't that innocent. They don't have less control than female when it comes to sex and it's wrong to think that they're not responsible for their action because they are men and they have different hormones.
The male and female are equally responsible when it comes to sex, it's an act that requires consent on both side. If someone is to be blamed for an action, they are both guilty.
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