Today's Post - Amended
In the dating world - if you're single and pursuing a traditional marriage, things are black and white. They do not exist in shades of gray. There is no exception that you can cheat on your boyfriend or that you can stay friends with your ex. These points are specific, absolute and supported by generalizations.
We must speak in generalizations; otherwise it would take far too long to make our point. If one were forced to make mention of every exception when making a point, it would quickly become a tiresome conversation. The sky is blue, airplanes fly, and men are larger than women, all true statements even though some days the sky is grey and at night it even turns to black, a broken-down airplane may not fly, and I am sure there are some women out there who are larger than some men. Like I said, tiresome!
Refer to the comments from the previous post - Social circles are smaller in many countries because most of the population in these places is not very transient, the lack of funds and opportunity in many of these countries limits movement. The traditions and morays in many of these countries are not ones we should attempt to emulate, for example: In Italy and France, it is socially acceptable for a middle aged, successful man to take a younger lover, regardless of his marital vows. Jacque Chirac explained this while serving as President.
Traditionally, in this country and others, being friends with a former boyfriend/girlfriend would not be so inappropriate as traditionally dating was not synonymous with sex. There was a time, in this country and others when societal morays dictated that an unmarried couple exercises some degree of self-control thus limiting the awkwardness of interacting with an ex.
In these "enlightened" times, when people put about as much importance on sex as they do a handshake, the "exes" know each other far too well, in a Biblical sense. If this "knowledge" does not make the other member of your current relationship uncomfortable, then I would suggest rethinking how much importance that other member places on the relationship. If you care so little about what that other member is feeling as to carry on such relationships, then that other member should do some rethinking!
5 comments:
I really don't agree with you on this, nor ever will. There are too many instances of people who I have known that are now married and have many friends, some of who they once dated, and are much more mature about handling all this nonsense. Again- and how many times do I have to say this?- there are a HUGE variety of levels to dictate what constitutes a friendship. And no one, myself included for the nth time, is saying you should ever conduct yourself with any behavior that would be damaging or hurtful to your current partner. That does NOT mean there aren't instances where someone you once dated can become a friend again under the proper circumstances. You made a general comment- my first post mentioned that this generalization is not always the case, and that there are exceptions. Now your response is that you can't talk about exceptions?? Then why bother having a conversation. Let's just all agree about generalizations and the opinion of the masses and those that disagree don't matter because 'they'll make the conversation tiresome'. This is my last post on this- We really just need to agree to disagree! And whoever responded about the social circles in other countries did not get the point I was referring to- but again this is an American audience so I would only expect as much.
In fact, you know, maybe the question you should be asking or proposing, if you really want to better the health of male-female relationships, is what kinds of behavior and courtesies are appropriate and required when you do stop dating someone. Just because you stop dating a person does not mean you have to stop respecting them (particularly if they are sane and the relationship ended amicably). In fact, how does that reflect on you if you now mistreat the person whom you chose to date and presumably liked and appreciated at one point? Doesn't that make you a loser for dating a loser?? And I won't imply that every ended relationship requires a future friendship- but civility and mutual respect is not too much to ask- particularly as nowadays relationships are much more intimate than they were traditionally. There are a lot of ill-mannered people out there- let's call this etiquette lesson #1.
Maybe I am not enlightened or just too controlling, but my current boyfriend is “best-friends” with his ex and I hate it. At first I thought that I could live with the situation. She is nice, fun, and smart, a pleasure to hang out with. But now it’s been a couple of months and every time that I look at her I just see them together. My boyfriend tried to make it better by saying that it was just sex, and bad sex at that. So now instead of picturing them at dinner together or on a date, I get the visual of them in bed. I want him to quit his friendship, but I think that he will just tell me that I am overeating. After all, they have been friends for six years, and I have been in the picture for only a couple months. Should I learn to live with it or have “the” talk?
Yeah, I can see how "overeating" would cause you these problems.
I want to add that you are immature for posting this whole "Breaking up over the Internets" thing. You are the kind of girl that scares men away from the sane ones that want marriage.
After only a few months of dating, you have no say in his life as to what is right or wrong. Grow up.
Hint: Morays are eels; mores are social customs, conventions or rules.
This hasn't got anything to do with social customs - it is jealousy, the Green-Eyed Monster, plain and simple; and it's rooted in insecurity. Exes share a history that current partners/spouses don't and can't. So what?
IF the partner you're currently dating or engaged to has decided to move on and leave that old romantic and/or sexaul relationship behind, then you really don't have anything to worry about: they've already chosen to be with you.
If they haven't moved on (ie, they were the dumpee and are still carrying a torch), then just dump them - do not make up stupid rules - if they are in love with someone else, you really don't want to be with them - even if you are in love with them.
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