You should NOT be friends with your ex...
Yesterday’s comments were interesting and combine both Monday’s and Tuesday’s topics. You cannot (or rather should not) be friends with an ex, and here is why.
Your relationship is over. It ended amicably; you went back and forth for a while; you just decided to quit dating – I don’t care, and it is irrelevant. The two of you have decided to be friends. After all, think of all the time, history, experiences you share. Plus you two still really care about one another. That’s all fine and dandy until…one of you decides to date somebody else.
His new girlfriend will be uncomfortable with your special relationship, your past experiences, and your history. She may claim that you are her new best friend; she is lying. He is dating her now. She doesn’t want to be reminded that there was someone before her, a past where she was absent. His new girlfriend will inevitably compete against you to establish her role as his number one. In some cases, she may go as far as to try and discredit you in front of others or sabotage your relationship with him.
All of this turmoil does not include the hindrance that this friendship with your ex will cause you establishing a successful relationship of your own. What guy wants to date a woman whose friend shared many important parts of her life with her? You and your ex already have a history, joke around, and feel a comfort and ease that he is desperately trying to establish with you. AND to top it off, you want him to go out and pal around with this guy (your ex) and pretend to be his friend?
Being “friends” with an ex is possible, but it is selfish. Just remember that for the comfort and ease of this friendship, you are sabotaging your future success and happiness. Every time that either of you try to establish a new relationship, you will be continually shooting yourself in the foot.
8 comments:
In my opinion- you can't make blanket statements like this. Just because you consider someone a 'friend' does not mean you pal around with them constantly, canoodle on the couch on a lazy Sunday with them and your new beau, or insert yourself into their new relationship. You may not even see them that often, out of respect for your and their current situation. It is the level that is appropriate for each situation, and no one person can make generalizations for that. That does not mean you cannot maintain some level of friendship with someone you once dated. In virtually every other country in the world, where social circles are sometimes much smaller (for societal morays etc.), you are often dating and breaking up with friends within your circle. It is part of the proper way to behave that if you break up with someone who may continue to act in a civilized fashion and treat them with the same respect and consideration you do everyone else, and maintain friendship because it is incredibly shortsighted to think you need to cut off ties with someone just because you dated. Sh!t happens, relationships happen. Get over it. Sure this might be harder if one person is hurt in the break-up. But if that's not the case, then with a bit of time and appropriate distance, you should be able to maintain a friendship with someone you once dated. Point is, there are so many nuances and extenuating circumstances, whenever you make a generalization about human behavior, you are almos always wrong.
There will be times when you run into someone you dated before or are at the same social gathering. In those instances, of course you should be respectful and polite. The inappropriate response would be to go and give your ex a hug and tell them how much you have missed them.
We do not live in other countries, bound by customs and traditions. We are fortunate to be Americans living in the United States. And dating statistics cite that most singles live in large metropolitan areas. Cities allow for a multitude of options for dining and entertainment, and it is quite easy to have social circles that never come close to touching those your ex.
Well, I would say that there are many reasons the US population is 'fortunate' and many ways in which it is lacking and could learn from the influences of said 'foreign customs and traditions'. But I'm not going to get into all that so let's just agree to disagree- it is the mixture of different backgrounds, perspectives, opinions that makes the dating pool so rich.
Alternate relationships do exist, but I believe that traditional marriage is the goal of most singles.
I agree with matchinform more than the other way. I think it gets sticky sticky canoodling with your ex. I'm more conservative in my approach to maintaining "ex" relationships.
I never like running into my exes. I am polite, but brief when I do. My relationships tended to end on my terms; therefore, why would I want to inflict pain or any other discomfort on this person by reminding her of something that might have been painful.
You are correct, we do everyone a favor by allowing all parties to move on. When it is over, it is over.
I couldn't disagree more with Matchinformation on this one. Your advice is great for teenagers, who are so shallow, inexperienced and emotinally raw that they can't handle the idea of the person they love ever having had feelings like that for someone else...but aren't we all adults here trying to have mature adult relationships? Are you and your dating pool really so shallow and insecure that you can't get past the fact that your current love had a history before you. Are you unfamiliar with the maxim "those who forgety their history are doomed to repeat it"? Do you really need to lie and pretend that you are the only person he/she has ever loved in order to feel good about your relationship? If you or the person you are dating is that immature and insecure, they shouldn't be entering into an adult relationship. Seriously. Jealousy is the most fruitless and wasted emotion that exists. If you wanted to be with your ex, you would be with them, clearly--especially if your breakup was amicable enough to preserve a friendship. You don't, which is why you are friends now. The idea that you need to throw out your history to make room for your future is very American in the worst, shallowest, and ugliest possible way. I have been blissfully married for almost 5 years now with no infidelity on either side. I can say for a fact that we would not be here if either of us were shallow enough to demand an ultimatum between our relationship and our friendship with exes. I have always made it a prerequisite of any relationship that I have that trust be the foundation. If there is someone you can't trust me around, then you can't trust me and we have nothing to build from. If you trust me, you trust me with my ex, Jude Law, a gang of horny rich models, or whatever, because you know that I want to be with you. Period. We even invited our ex friends to our wedding, and were overjoyed that a few of them decided to attend and help us to celebrate our marriage. By dismissing your past you dismiss a part of who you are. Don't you want to have a relationship with someone who loves you for who you really are--history and all? And don't you want your lover to be able to give themself to you completely...history and all?
I'm skeptical about remaining friends with exes. Of course I think every situation is different, but from my own experiences I think it's really hard. After a break-up the best thing to do is spend time apart. I've also been in a situation where you remain friends but continue to hook up - not a good idea, you just get sucked right back in and it gets even harder to let go. It's probably not a good idea to tell each other about the new people you are dating but it's a good indicator on where the other person stands. Even if you break up and it was mutual, it is always hard to see your ex with someone else. So my best advice is to quit cold turkey and spend time apart. No calling, no hanging out. Erase them completely until you are strong enough to resist them.
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