Living Together Before Marriage

Statistics indicate that Living together before marriage has become increasingly popular. Only 40 years ago, this was not the case. According to the U.S. Census, less than 500,000 unmarried couples were "shacking up" in 1960. (In fact, it was actually illegal in many states at the time.) But by 2000, cohabitation had lost its outlaw status, and currently over nine times as many people are unmarried and living together.

Caltholic Update expresses three reasons why couples cohabit before marriage in the article Cohabitation Before Marriage (June 2003).

Cohabiting for convenience. With John working the day shift in a factory, Mary the 3:00-11:00 hours at a hospital, and their two family homesteads almost a half hour drive apart, this couple found making time to be together a difficult and frustrating task. Renting an apartment and moving in together resolved that challenge.

Cohabiting for economy. Ann and Bill rented separate apartments and hoped to begin marriage with a home of their own. By sharing one apartment, they used the saved rental money to purchase a house.

Cohabiting for discernment. Sam and Alice grew up in a split family, both of their parents having divorced when they were in elementary school. Each found that experience painful and devastating. They do not want their children to suffer the same trauma of divorce. This couple thought that living together before marriage would help them evaluate their own relationship and better prepare them for marital life.

Presumably, if a couple can get along living in the same apartment before marriage, they will be able to get along with each other after marriage. However, if marriage is the ultimate goal, cohabitation for discernment has not demonstrated success predicting compatibility.

Living together may prove compatibility for a moment in time, but it provides no evidence for happiness together over a lifetime. Cohabitation Facts indicate that the chances of a divorce after living together are huge, much higher than for couples who have not lived together prior to marriage. If living together were a test of marital compatibility, the statistics should show opposite results - couples living together should have stronger marriages. But they don't. They have weaker marriages.

iVillage reports three reasons why living together prior to marriage may be risky in the article 3 Warnings: Living Together Might Not Be Smart.

Higher Divorce Rate. Perhaps the most compelling and widespread argument against living together before marriage is that several researchers say it increases the risk of breaking up. Virtually all studies of this topic have shown that the chance of divorce is significantly greater for married couples who lived together first. And in 1992, the National Survey of Families and Households found that, in 3,300 families, married couples who had lived together first were judged to be 46 percent more likely to get divorced.

Lower Quality of Life. When it comes to living together, more research suggests that the quality of life for unmarried couples is far lower than for married couples. Researchers David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead say cohabiting couples report lower levels of happiness, lower levels of sexual exclusivity and sexual satisfaction, and poorer relationships with their parents. Annual rates of depression are more than three times higher. And, finally, cohabiting women are more likely than married women to suffer physical and sexual abuse.

Living Together Doesn't Necessarily Lead to Marriage. After five to seven years, 21 percent of most cohabitating couples are still doing just that - cohabitating, without getting married. In a new study by Popenoe and Whitehead, one of the top 10 reasons why men said that they are reluctant to get married at all is because they can simply live with a woman and enjoy the same benefits.

Marriage is an agreement to take care of each other for life, regardless of life's ups and downs. But the commitment of living together is not like that at all. It is simply a month-to-month rental agreement. As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick around.

Many couples with month-to-month rental agreement never choose to save up for the down payment to buy the “house”. Why should the couple get married if they have all the benefits of marriage without any of the commitment? The couple can enjoy the “house” without having to worry about maintenance. If a pipe leaks and floods the basement, they can just move out without having to figure out how to fix or pay for the problem.

Marriage may also have negative effects on those who have been in the habit of following the month-to-month agreement. If a couple who has lived together prior to marriage does decide to get married, they may feel that their own behavior has passed the test, and any further accommodation should be unnecessary. Thus, these couples never improve (i.e. add a new kitchen) the “house”.

Couples who have not lived together before marriage begin their relationship assuming that they are in this thing for life, and all their habits usually reflect that commitment. They realize that the only way to have happiness and compatibility is to agree to take each other's feelings into account every time they make a decision. They want to build compatibility, not test it.

Couples who have not cohabitated out of marriage bought their "house" together. They both take pride in their purchase and are willing to put forth the time and money for all necessary renovations and upkeep. After all, they plan on living there a long time.