One Third of Online Daters MARRIED

Who uses online dating sites? According to MSNBC, research shows that one third of people who use online dating services are married. “And it doesn’t help when some dating sites out there, like Udate, do not differentiate between divorced and separated, making it even more convenient for a man to lie about his marital status – Online Dating Magazine.”

South Coast Today’s article, “Husband claims he uses dating service just to find 'free porn' online” (April 23, 2007 6:00), discuss why married men are attracted to these online venues.

I discovered that last year, my husband created a free personal profile on an online dating site that is designed to meet women in our vicinity. Of course, I was crushed. Before I approached my husband, I checked our computer history to see what sites had been visited, what kind of e-mails he has been getting, and any other surprises. Fortunately, I found nothing except the fact that he did not answer any of the responses to his profile.

I told my husband how hurt and disappointed I am. He claims that because the dating sites are free (unlike the porn sites), it's a convenient way to receive online sexy pictures of women. So for him, it's just free porn. (Read full article.)

Online Dating Magazine’s article, “Online Dating: How to Stay Clear of Married Men”, provides 11 tips on how to spot a married man online.

Tip #1: He chooses not to post a picture of himself online, or he posts a picture that may be very dark and difficult to pick him out of a crowd.
Tip #2: He will likely be the one to initiate the first contact.
Tip #3: He may be very irregular or erratic about his responses back to you.
Tip #4: He requests your phone number, but will not give you his number.
Tip #5: His calls to you are very irregular, or are at set times.
Tip #6: He will only share his cell number with you.
Tip #7: You have his cellular number, but constantly are forced to leave a message.
Tip #8: He won’t share his last name with you.
Tip #9: He is very secretive about where he lives.
Tip #10: He does not divulge much info about himself or his family and upbringing.
Tip #11: You never get the chance to meet his friends or family.

Step #5 - Marketing Yourself in a Dating Profile

MATCHinform’s Guide to Informed Dating, Step #5 - Market your strengths effectively. Whether it is meeting someone online or in person, initial contact is the first, and maybe only, opportunity to make a good impression.

When initiating contact online, the profile equates to a resume, and the first email is a cover letter. Those who give the same attention to looking for a date as a job are the most successful. Remember that grammar, spelling and punctuation do count.

I have already mentioned this in a previous post, but I will say it again. The picture is the first thing most people will examine. Remember the famous proverb; a picture is worth a thousand words. Post pictures of that market strengths. Pictures should not advertise potential baggage or create questions. For example,

A picture with a child – First responses from a potential date may include: Whose kid is that? Is that their child? Do they have custody? What is their relationship like with their ex? The cute picture with the baby has all of a sudden provoked images of an extended family getting in the way of a date and / or an ex.

A picture with a person of the opposite sex - First responses from a potential date may include: Is that their ex? Do they still have a relationship with them? If not, then how old is that picture? Is that their best friend? Would I get along with them? The picture with the guy / girl that was inserted to prove commitment or “friendships” with attractive people, flaunts a prior relationship and a grip to the past.

The most effective pictures are solo shots where the person appears to be having a good time. Leave out pictures from weddings, group shots, family shots, and pictures with pets. When approaching a stranger, from the moment communication begins, so does the interview, and online, that begins with the picture.

Submitting a Profile and Responding to One Effectively

In my experience with social networking, I have found many people who choose to date using Internet dating sites make various mistakes when marketing themselves on these venues. When browsing profiles, I read many that are almost boilerplate. I also see many photos that do not promote the subject's appearance, but instead attempt to impress readers with pictures of friends, past boy/girlfriends, cars, boats, pets, travel locations, etc.; moreover, when responding to a profile, daters often use canned responses that have little chance of catching the potential date's attention.

I browsed over 25 profiles today, and out of those profiles I found 19 that were virtually identical in the personal description section. These profiles used the same catch-phrases and buzzwords, almost as though they were written by the same person. Words such as: "spontaneous", "spiritual", "successful", "optimistic", "sensitive", "intelligent", "attractive”, "caring", "fun", "adventurous", etc. are far too common. Phrases such as: "looking for", "seeking someone", "in need of", "someone to complete", "my soulmate", "my friends would describe me as", "my family says", "I think I am", etc. are also cited at an alarming rate.

These buzzwords that are so commonly used make the author of the profile appear as though he/she put little thought into writing it, thus giving the impression he/she does not date seriously. The words are subjective and mean very little to a reader whose only knowledge of the writer is the profile itself. To not be taken seriously in a venue that allows one looking for a date to simply go to the next profile can prove disastrous with regard to getting quality responses. Many of the aforementioned phrases either tend to demonstrate a degree of desperation (i.e., seeking, soulmate, need, etc.) or sound self-serving and subjective as no reader cares how your friend or family describe you.

When describing yourself, as in any polite conversation, do not really say too much about yourself as you risk sounding boorish. Try to leave an open ended question for your reader. Intrigue him/her while inviting the reader’s involvement in the conversation. Instead of: I like Italian food. Try: I love Italian food, but am always looking to try new cuisine, any suggestions? Or: I have traveled to Europe and look forward to learning about other places, tell me about where you have been. Remember, you are not writing an advertisement; you are attempting to start a dialogue.

With regard to the photos, I notice while reading dating sites that there are far too many photos that do not tell a reader what he/she wants to knows. A photo on a profile is meant to serve a very practical purpose. It is simply to allow a reader to know if you meet his/her taste, physically. Trying to elude a reader about appearance only serves to make a reader think you are hiding something, and if hiding something is the motive, the only thing accomplished is a waste of two people’s time, as appearance will be quickly discovered upon the first meeting. Too many photos are of exotic travel locations, groups of friends or pets (which tend to take the emphasis off the subject of the profile), nieces or nephews, which give the impression you have children when you do not, or worst of all, a photo with an ex or someone who could appear to be an ex (even if you have obviously photo-shopped him/her out).

Most important, responding to a profile one finds attractive is something that, it seems to me, Internet daters have not figured out. Too many responses are exactly the same, and probably cut and pasted, then sent out to many. First of all, keep in mind that many Internet daters in a given geographical region are acquainted; they attend the same functions, eat and drink at the same establishments, and work together. I have been there when they discuss the same people who sent the same responses. When one responds to a profile, one must make sure to mention something unique from that profile, refer to a good smile or a specific hobbey. Remember to always write a response that gets the attention of its reader so that he/she will take the time to view the respondent’s profile, which if written properly, will increase the possibility of beginning a dialogue that leads to a date.

Your Online Profile – the Picture

Advice for your online profile - the picture.

Be relaxed and look like you are having fun in your picture. Add supplemental pictures that demonstrate your hobbies and interests (i.e., you playing sports or traveling).

DO NOT include any pictures with other people. Don’t even attempt to crop the picture. FYI – we can still tell that it was a girl hanging on you at the bar. Including a picture of another person or cropping the picture takes the focus off of you and makes the viewer question – whose wedding, whose kid, is that their ex? Do not even allow such questions to surface. Pets can even be tricky. You may look real cute posing with your cousin’s lab, but the woman viewing your profile may be allergic, think it is yours, and dismiss you before reading any of the text.