What Women Want

Men measure success through status, power and money. A great job, powerful allies, and cutting edge toys can determine pride and cause great envy. Women, on the other hand, measure their successes not only by what they own, who they know and their persuasive influence, but also through their ability to attract men, find a partner and raise a family.

Great men are macho examples of masculinity; great women are powerful feminists who also exude infinite hospitality, femininity, and charm.

The dual role of a female is difficult to balance. Women are supposed to succeed in school, sports, hobbies, and their careers while simultaneously establishing and raising a family. The ability for one person to commit enough time to flourish at all of these roles is difficult, if not impossible.

While I have come across a few notable exceptions, the primary goals of most men do not focus on getting married and raising a family. Evan Marc Katz’s writes in his September 5, 2007, article Why Reality Sucks, Fantasy Rules, and My Advice May Make You Upset that “YOU CAN’T CHANGE MEN!” I agree. So long as men are allowed to get their milk for free without buying the cow, they will continue to do so. Therefore, training men to become husbands and fathers falls upon the endless duties of women.

In our current society, being married and having a family is of greater importance to women. Not to say that men do not want families, but women are more frequently and harshly judged on their successes or failures in dating, marriage and motherhood. If the goal is marriage and having a family, then women need to realize that it is up to them to pave their own path to success.

Marriage, an Inconvenient Truth

Yesterday, Anonymous stated “being married is not a goal for me. I've been married. Wasn't great. Being a good relationship is what matters to me. I am. Maybe we'll marry. We probably should. Maybe later. Maybe not. I really don't care.”

First off, I do not believe your totally apathy toward marriage. You thumb your nose at the institution with statistically high failure rates to which you have contributed.

In your current situation, you have control of your relationship and cannot be disappointed because you demand nothing. There is no contract or mutual consideration. Dating is designed as a means to marriage, but you claim to be satisfied just to date the rest of your life.

Today children are corrupted by declining values and lack moral fortitude. Hollywood has peddled co-habitation and illegitimate children as acceptable lifestyles, and marriage has become an inconvenience. Why follow traditional social norms that demand marriage and fidelity when it is perfectly acceptable to live together and raise a family while just dating?

Marriage legitimizes a relationship that otherwise is comparable to those found in a brothel. It lays the foundation for the family unit that influences future generations, and marriage publicly announces a commitment to another person which can so easily be justifiably discounted when someone is merely dating.

Boyfriends are Not the Same as a Husbands

Thanks to everyone for their comments. Yesterday, Anonymous responded to MATCHinform's article, Yes, Men are Hormonally Charged, by writing:

I LOVE that someone wrote the above comment!!!!!! My ex used to say oh men couldn't be monogamous, that he would get bored with sex with same person for years and couldn't do it and no one really liked it. I lost my faith in men after that relationship. I thought he was telling me the truth. He was controlling as well. Kept a tight hold on when we could talk, could see each other, sleep together, etc and was really only nice to me until we slept together on our date and then I could tell he pretty much wanted me to get lost until our next date. After we broke up I was such a wreck because I felt so bad about myself after that relationship. HE then actually told me to go into therapy to get over it and the therapist told me that he had all of the classic signs of a sex addict. Every symptom I read about he had! It was such a relief to know although I had problems (like why I was drawn to him) that he really had problems and not all men were like that. THEY AREN'T!!!!!!. I have a great boyfriend now and trust him and it is wonderful. Most men WANT monogamy and emotional intimacy. Most women do too. Most everyone does if you are open to it. So I agree...this writer is peddling a load of crap. Sounds like he has a problem. Being romantic just to get sex! You should be ashamed!

It is nice that this writer has met someone that treats her well and she is happy in her current relationship; however, she should realize that this wonderful, caring, sensitive guy with whom she now spends time, also wants, in fact, I will venture to say, demands a physical relationship with her.

Yes, men fall in love too, but absent the sexual nature of the relations, even this "great boyfriend" will seek another outlet for what nature has designed him to accomplish.

Keep in mind that this "great boyfriend" is still simply a "boyfriend" and this is important. When he offers to put a ring on your finger, and you have a family, and you are both old and retired, then you can speak of a successful relationship. She seems to be describing a happy ending to her tale, when it is simply only the beginning of this new relationship. And we all know how great new relationships seem at the time.

The person who wrote this seems to be looking for her fairytale ending, and her therapist is feeding into this by telling her that all her past relationship problems should be placed squarely on her ex. Her therapist, without ever meeting the writer's ex (and I am sure the ex has his own version of this story), has diagnosed the guy as a sex addict.

I find it hilarious when females attempt to hide their own shortcomings by projecting disorders onto others. A man who thinks often of sex, who goes out of his way to get sex, and enjoys it greatly, is no addict, just healthy.

The nice guy, who loves you and takes care of you, the guy you feel you can trust, is simply exhibiting self-control! This is the difference between the ones who cannot be monogamous and those who can. The nicest, most caring gentleman you have ever known, is just as drawn to sex and the worst frat-boy with whom you have been involved. One chooses to control his hard-wired, animal instincts, the latter simply gives in.

But part of the onus is on you. Perhaps young women should not make it so easy for the ones who give in to their nature, perhaps young women should relearn an old word used when young men made such attempts: NO! It is an easy word, just one syllable.

It may be incumbent upon young women to act like ladies and demand their male counterparts conduct themselves like gentlemen.

Do not think that what goes on in the mind of a young man is anything close to the hopes and dreams that young women have.

If you could, for one night, actually be a man, and listen to our conversations, our jokes and our stories on conquest, you would think twice before even giving in to so much as a peck on the cheek without a promise from him.

Help! He Stopped Calling!

So you think that your boyfriend is avoiding me for some reason. Everything is completely normal then without notice he is ignoring or avoiding you. His phone is off, he hasn’t called, and he isn’t responding to text messages. What do you do???

My advice: Avoidance! Do not appear to be begging for attention. Do NOT appear desperate. He obviously thinks he has the upper-hand. If you are dating someone, notwithstanding external considerations, a daily contact should be expected.

If you make the daily contact, and you are speaking with a voice mail, then you had better back off until the other party makes an effort.

I know this is scary because it is a gamble, you risk losing contact with this person; however, if this person is contacting you at his leisure and only when it is convenient, do you really want to be forcing his attention on you? One cannot force a relationship.

Who needs to get married anyway?

Who needs to get married anyway? Years ago, men often married for sex, which didn't come so easily, and this motivated them. Sex meant pleasure, which humans crave, and the prospect of unlimited sex propelled many a man into marrying.

Today, men can have this without marrying. A woman must now understand the other reasons a man marries. Most men get married in the hope of improving their life. Somehow they believe marriage makes life better for themselves. Once women understand this basic concept, they can start to understand why a man wants to marry and why he doesn't.

A man who sees marriage as burdensome, hard, upsetting, or painful will avoid marrying. A person may love you, but avoid marrying you (or anybody else) if they somehow believe life with you will be difficult. For some men, single life just is better - and nothing will sway them. They may like women, but they don't need them. You can't change this type of man.

A man must feel he is 'getting' something by marrying you - a feeling, a reward, a purpose, comfort, thrills, whatever. If you can figure out what constitutes pleasure and meaning to him, then you can begin to understand why he would marry. Is pleasure for him having a family? A beautiful wife other guys will envy? A helper and emotional support? A best friend for life? Would he love not having to worry about cooking and cleaning? Does he need help financially? Does he need a woman to baby him? Be his partner? Help him straighten himself out? Is he looking for a woman to have a blast with? Or a woman to take care of? Does he want a woman he has to work for and please?

Every man has his own agenda. It is the woman’s job to figure out what the man wants. As you begin to understand his needs, ask yourself if you can fill or even want to fill these needs. Be honest. If you see his needs don't match what you are willing to give, say goodbye. For him to give you what you want, he must get what he wants, and vice versa.

Taming the Toxic Bachelor (Part 3)

Monday’s article on Toxic Bachelors was circulated around the peanut gallery. The conclusion simply put, those who do not fall into the described category of Toxic Bachelor are those who would like to but do not possess the wherewithal.

If the majority of available men in their 20s and 30s are Toxic Bachelors or have Toxic bachelor envy, are single women screwed? It appears to be a Catch 22. Do women force men to respect them and quit providing free milk knowing that even if a select group withholds milk, there will be a large portion still handing out samples? Or do men spontaneously start behaving like gentlemen, giving up their playboy ways?

I hate to tell you ladies, but the horse must be before the cart. Women have to relearn how to act like ladies, because all people, men and women will take the easy road. If men always proposed marriage every time they dated a woman, then they too would be making things too easy.

Dating or courtship is a delicate game of cat and mouse. The role of cat or mouse interchange from time to time during the game because human nature dictates a love of the chase, although too often we bury our nature for instant gratification.

Taming the Toxic Bachelor (Part 2)

The number of toxic men, according to the article, is growing. Why would this be happening?

Think about this historically: there was a time when a man could not stay single so long, as the goal most men seek, and think about most of the day, was not readily attainable in days past; however, in this era of "enlightenment" and "equality" one of the main limitations in the life of a young, single man exists no more. Now any male can have his cake and eat it too, several times a week, if he wishes.

What does a young man gain from marriage that he cannot have single? Today's man can keep all his freedom, have all his fun and never once have to explain his whereabouts to anyone.

The milk is free to all who ask, so who needs the maintenance complications of cow ownership? We live in a world where tradition, loyalty, social mores, and pride in doing anything simply for goodness sake, have been replaced by easy access to instant gratification. A game of catch on the front yard is replaced by the plasma TV and a video game, a father's authority is marginalized by society and government, thus a male feels little pride in fulfilling his role. Many women today have opted to pretend that the male gender is nothing more than a donor of sperm and young men because it is easy option to play that role, do so with pleasure.

In order to tame toxic men, it is up to females in society to act as moral compasses, which historically they have done so well, and keep the milk where it belongs, right up until the consumer of the product agrees to buy it. Otherwise, one will acquire a taste for milk that has soured, if for no other reason then only for the low price.

Taming the Toxic Bachelor (Part 1)

According to the Urban Dictionary, toxic bachelors are the “worst men around. They are liars, cheats, users and abusers. Toxic bachelors are expert players and will always lie to women and to whom ever to get what they want. They will often use the same pick up lines and rely heavily on their looks and fake charm to attract women. Extremely shallow and only care about physical appearances. Toxic bachelors are typically good looking, well dressed and are usually salesmen.”

Despite adverse health risks linked to the Toxic Bachelor lifestyle, the movement is gaining popularity. Eventually, after ten to twenty years of hangovers and weekend relationships, these men grow up and settle down with a woman ten years their junior. Does a modern woman have to just wait and hope that she catches one of these guys when they are finally ready to settle down, or is it possible to tame the Toxic Bachelor?

Dating a Co-worker

Dating a co-worker is one of the worst ideas imaginable. An office relationship will always have some negative implications no matter how much planning, secrecy, and diplomacy is involved. If the temptation is too overwhelming, here are some suggestions to minimize causalities.

Have an exit strategy. Before you begin a relationship, consider the consequences of it ending. Will you be able to handle the emotional and professional pressure of seeing this co-worker every day if things don’t work out, and can you re-establish a professional demeanor with a person?

If things do work out and you decide to tie the knot, you should be prepared for one of you to look for another job, either outside the company or within another department. Whether you can both stay in your current positions will depend on your company’s policy and the reaction of your co-workers and supervisors.

Avoid dating your subordinate. When a manager dates someone who reports directly to him or her, the relationship usually presents a genuine conflict of interest for the manager. As a supervisor, you are responsible for evaluating your employee's work and making promotion and compensation decisions. Dating someone who reports to you could cause fellow employees to accuse you of favoritism or cutting your lover too much slack.

And, while you both may get involved in a relationship consensually, if (when) the romance fades you and your company could be hit with a harassment lawsuit if the employee feels mistreated, didn’t get a desired raise or promotion or worse, is terminated.

Keep your love life to yourself. If you are going to start a relationship with a co-worker, it’s best to keep it between the two of you. Avoid any public displays of affection and discussions regarding personal matters at the office. . Also remember that most companies have strict e-mail policies, so it’s best to keep non-professional communication offline. Be totally professional in the office or around other co-workers. And if confronted by others, deny, deny, deny. It’s not lying when you refuse to be forthcoming with your personal and private matters

Don’t let your relationship affect your performance. If your romance is affecting your work, you may be asked to end your relationship or find another job. You may have to decide between your career and your companion. (Read original article.)

To be or NOT to be...married???

The following article is from Single or married - for better or worse? by Viv Griskop.

Fueled by pop culture phenomenons, Sex and the City and Bridget Hones Diary, the debate between single life and marriage rages. Cultural perceptions have shifted, as well as our expectations of coupledom and solitude. As divorce rates rise, and the two-parent family declines, the traditional view of marriage as the most desirable state has been thrown into question.

The positive outcome? Being single and proud has finally been accepted as a viable life choice. The downside is that many of us feel more confused than ever. On the one hand there is the idealized life of the carefree, independent woman, yet we still grow up conditioned by fairytales, classic novels and Hollywood movies to believe that 'happy ever after' means happily married. So is there an answer to this uniquely modern debate? Which is better for your long-term happiness and mental health, being single or being part of a couple?

The majority of research has found that, for both men and women, the most beneficial state in terms of physical and psychological wellbeing, financial gain and longevity, is marriage. A recent survey likened the benefits of marriage on our mental health to the equivalent of an annual cash injection of $100,000. In terms of our physical health marriage gives as much of a boost as giving up smoking. Married people earn more than single people, have better physical and psychological health, better longevity and reported happiness.

Interestingly, studies have also found that cohabiting couples do not seem to reap the same benefits as married couples. One theory is that optimistic people tend to marry – people who would have better physical and psychological health anyway. Another is that the difference lies in the tangible security offered by a marriage certificate.

The positive thing about relationships is that they tend to give us a safe base from which to explore the rest of the world. Single people usually don't have this, and when they do – by cultivating a select network of friends – it is a real fight for them to maintain the secure structure that automatically exists in a stable couple.

This does not mean, however, that all people in relationships are by definition happier than singles because being in the wrong couple can destroy your sense of security, especially if you're in a frustrating relationship where you are always seeking and not getting. If we are going to play good, better, best: a happy partnership (and, in fact, the socially recognized form of marriage) is statistically best, but happy singledom can be equally fulfilling. Next comes miserable singledom. But the worst condition, it seems, is an unhappy relationship.

Ultimately, the experts agree, mental wellbeing comes down to your attitude to life, which may be influenced by your marital status (or lack thereof), but is not exclusively defined by it. If you tend to assume that the grass is always greener – if you're married and envy your single friends, for example, then you're less likely to be satisfied. If you are settled, you do not have anxieties about your own deficiencies, as you might if you were unhappily single, or as you might about someone else's deficiencies, in an unhappy relationship.

A key psychological definition of happiness is a willingness to explore life, to maintain curiosity and be alive to new experiences. While single life allows greater freedom to do this, a long-term, doubt-free relationship gives many people a level of confidence and openness to life they may otherwise lack. Each state has its unique benefits, so perhaps even asking the question of who is happier – therefore dwelling on what lies on the other side of the fence – makes us less happy. Perhaps we should focus not on what we lack, but on what we can gain from the situation we find ourselves in.

I Want to Date my Friend - Can I Afford Losing the Friendship?

When someone wants to date their friend, usually they have to make a decision. They can either 1) keep the friendship “as is” or 2) attempt to move the relationship in a different direction. Yesterday, I wrote the article Stop Being "The Friend" - Tricks for Winning the Girl, which sets forth one possible method to progress a relationship past friendship.

When someone decides that they want more out of a friendship, they need to be comfortable that they could possibly lose the friendship altogether. This fear is the main reason that a lot of people decide to continue the relationship unaffected. Their theory is that something is better than nothing even if what they are receiving is unfulfilling.

Someone’s ability to stomach risk and be able to deal with the consequences dictates whether they are more or less likely to attempt to date a friend. Neither decision is wrong, but there are a couple mitigating factors to consider.

1) Will attempting to take the relationship to a new level heavily influence other relationships with friends and family? 2) Could and would you still be friends with this person after becoming involved in a serious relationship? 3) How big a factor does a fear of loneliness play into the friendship?

It is always preferable to keep bridges intact and networks strong. However, there are occasions when a friendship should be risked for the opportunity of a greater and stronger bond. But before moving in this direction, one has to feel comfortable with the possibility is losing the person for good.

Stop Being "The Friend" - Tricks for Winning the Girl

“The friend” is a guy she likes and has fun with, but just won’t date. He’s the back-up when no one else is available. He will answer her calls when she keeps getting other people’s voicemail. He is there to provide male attention when any attention is better than no attention at all. But all the while, she wouldn’t hesitate to cancel plans with “the friend” if something better came up.

Some guys seem to be able to always charm the girl while others are destined to be her friend. If a guy has been pigeon holed as “the friend”, can he still get the girl? With a little foresight, patience, and pizzazz, anything is possible.

Step one – stop being so damn available. Don’t run to meet her for brunch after she has had a terrible date the night before. Don’t be available on a Friday night for drinks after work when she calls you at 6 p.m. because her date canceled, and don’t pick up the phone every single time she calls. Instead, tell her you have a date and will try and meet up later depending how the date goes. Appear busy, even if you aren’t. In a couple of weeks or months, you will no longer be waiting for her to call because she will start to track you down.

Step two – do not let her talk about guys in front of you. Keep your conversation away from ex’s and current boyfriends. This is a job for her girlfriends, and if you entertain such banter, you a grouped with the rest of the girls and not as a possible love interest.

Step three – ignore steps one and two when the current boyfriend or love interest scorns her. Take her out for drinks and talk about what happened. Be her confident, her friend, the only one who understands her, and be open to where things may lead.

One Third of Online Daters MARRIED

Who uses online dating sites? According to MSNBC, research shows that one third of people who use online dating services are married. “And it doesn’t help when some dating sites out there, like Udate, do not differentiate between divorced and separated, making it even more convenient for a man to lie about his marital status – Online Dating Magazine.”

South Coast Today’s article, “Husband claims he uses dating service just to find 'free porn' online” (April 23, 2007 6:00), discuss why married men are attracted to these online venues.

I discovered that last year, my husband created a free personal profile on an online dating site that is designed to meet women in our vicinity. Of course, I was crushed. Before I approached my husband, I checked our computer history to see what sites had been visited, what kind of e-mails he has been getting, and any other surprises. Fortunately, I found nothing except the fact that he did not answer any of the responses to his profile.

I told my husband how hurt and disappointed I am. He claims that because the dating sites are free (unlike the porn sites), it's a convenient way to receive online sexy pictures of women. So for him, it's just free porn. (Read full article.)

Online Dating Magazine’s article, “Online Dating: How to Stay Clear of Married Men”, provides 11 tips on how to spot a married man online.

Tip #1: He chooses not to post a picture of himself online, or he posts a picture that may be very dark and difficult to pick him out of a crowd.
Tip #2: He will likely be the one to initiate the first contact.
Tip #3: He may be very irregular or erratic about his responses back to you.
Tip #4: He requests your phone number, but will not give you his number.
Tip #5: His calls to you are very irregular, or are at set times.
Tip #6: He will only share his cell number with you.
Tip #7: You have his cellular number, but constantly are forced to leave a message.
Tip #8: He won’t share his last name with you.
Tip #9: He is very secretive about where he lives.
Tip #10: He does not divulge much info about himself or his family and upbringing.
Tip #11: You never get the chance to meet his friends or family.